Alternate Reality

Scientists Discover New Element Based on Michael Arrington, Apologize Profusely Afterwards

Urasium, an ignoble gas based on superheated emissions from the former TechCrunch founder, has become the 116th element in the Periodic Table. A nation of chemists mourn.

By (@tynanwrites)

November 26, 2013

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

esarc - urasium cropped

Researchers in Silicon Valley have added a new element to the periodic table based on the unique chemical properties of notorious nonjournalist Michael Arrington. They apologized immediately afterwards and promised to never do anything like that ever again.

Named Urasium, the element has an atomic number of 118, a covalent radius of 97, and a Klout score of 72. After the discovery, scientists tucked it into a corner of the Periodic Table next to Kardashion and Mileycyrene, hoping no one would notice.

esarc urasium periodic-small

Physicists created the element by injecting a spume of superheated gas into a room full of venture capitalists, then distilling the particulates into a substrate cooled to -274 Kelvin and gently whipped into a meringue.

Toxic in even infinitesimal amounts, Urasium has no practical application, though some researchers speculate it may be useful as an abrasive. It is a highly volatile compound that inevitably breaks down into less affluent subparticles. These include:

PandoDalium – a brittle compound that turns into a gooey mess in the presence of Peter Thiel.

Carrbonite – a bitter, acidic substance used primarily to exterminate small woodland creatures.

Sieglerion – an inert particle with an amazing affinity for binding to other, far more intelligent compounds.

If ingested, Urasium can trigger bouts of extreme arrogance, as well as a tendency to deliver lectures on journalistic ethics and other topics of which the speaker possesses an almost perfect ignorance.

A dosage of Huffingtonium can work as an emetic, ejecting the Urasium from your system. However, Huffingtonium must be continually present in the body or the effects of Urasium may return.

Researchers contacted by eSarcasm declined comment, saying they were too embarrassed and would prefer to pretend the whole thing never happened.

Image of Urasium courtesy of Famo.us






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Comments

  • ArcticWolf1966

    Wonder how long before they distill Obumium?