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The 18 Commandments of the Internet Comment Troll

Internet Comment Trolls, your secrets are out! We’ve uncovered a highly confidential document detailing the rules that guide everything Internet Comment Trolls say and do. An eSarcasm exclusive.

By (@JRRaphael)

January 25, 2014

Internet Comment TrollWe’ve all encountered the Internet Comment Troll — the delightful little creature who somehow always shows up in the comments section of blogs, websites, and social media services to show off his superior intellect and set the world straight.

The Internet Comment Troll is an expert in all matters and always takes pains to spread his wisdom. He particularly loves to dwell in tech-related realms, where he enlightens reviewers and enhances their work with his insights. Were it not for the Internet Comment Troll, online comment sections might actually be a place for meaningful discourse — and we sure as hell wouldn’t want that.

You might think the Internet Comment Troll operates willy-nilly, leaving crass comments at random — but you’d be wrong. The Internet Comment Troll carefully follows a prescribed list of commandments — 18, to be precise — that dictate his every thought and action.

In a SuperDuperWorldwideExcloosive™, eSarcasm has obtained an official copy of the 18 Commandments of the Internet Comment Troll. Read them carefully. Commit them to memory. And for fuck’s sake, don’t tell anyone you saw them here.

Bias Cat1. If a writer’s opinion differs from the Internet Comment Troll’s opinion, the writer is clearly “bias” and/or on some manufacturer’s payroll.

2. If a writer has an opinion, he is clearly “bias” and/or on some manufacturer’s payroll.

3. “Bias” is always an acceptable substitute for “biased.”

4. Regardless of its actual quality, any product that isn’t made by the Internet Comment Troll’s favorite manufacturer “totally sucks” and/or is “an obvious ripoff” of something else. The Internet Comment Troll has the power to know this without ever having to see, touch, or use the product in question.

5. The Internet Comment Troll’s opinion is more valid than anyone else’s, especially when he has never actually seen, touched, or used the product in question. Seriously, there is ABSOLUTELY NO REASON anyone should buy [whatever the device is that you’ve just expressed interest in].

troll6. Playground-level insults like “Fandroid” and “iSheep” are perfectly valid and respectable insults when delivered by an Internet Comment Troll. There are no valid responses to these ingenious snubs.

7. A headline is all an Internet Comment Troll needs to read to know exactly what a 3000-word article contends — and, more important, to be prepared to leave a derogatory four-word comment dismissing the entire thing.

8. Speaking of length, any article or blog beyond 140 characters warrants an Internet Troll Comment proclamation of “tl;dr.” Lulz.

9. Any article or blog that covers a topic outside of an Internet Comment Troll’s interest warrants a “Slow news day??” remark.

10. Also acceptable: “How is this news??” and “NOBODY CARES!!!”

11. When commenting on new or upcoming products, a gadget is either “the best thing ever,” if the Internet Comment Troll plans to buy it, or “total crap” if the Internet Comment Troll already owns a competing product. There are no other options.

Troll Man12. Internet Comment Troll comments should contain a minimum of two misspellings and/or grammatical errors.

13. The previous law is particularly pertinent when the Internet Comment Troll is attempting to point out a misspelling and/or grammatical error within an article.

14. If a tech reviewer’s experiences with a product don’t match the Internet Comment Troll’s expectations, the tech reviewer is clearly lying.

15. …and it’s probably because he’s “bias.”

16. An irritated Internet Comment Troll will always make sure to mention that he’ll never visit a certain site or read material by that writer again.Don't Feed the Troll

17. …at least, until the next time the site or writer posts something, at which time he’ll be back to tell them just how wrong they totally are.

18. Uh, hello? There are only 10 commandments. Anyone writing a list on a mildly popular geek-humor site under the premise of 18 commandments is clearly just a no-talent Fandroid having a slow news day. Whose payroll is this hack on, anyway?

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