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The 18 Commandments of the Internet Comment Troll

Internet Comment Trolls, your secrets are out! We’ve uncovered a highly confidential document detailing the rules that guide everything Internet Comment Trolls say and do. An eSarcasm exclusive.

By (@jr_raphael)

January 25, 2014

Internet Comment TrollWe’ve all encountered the Internet Comment Troll — the delightful little creature who somehow always shows up in the comments section of blogs, websites, and social media services to show off his superior intellect and set the world straight.

The Internet Comment Troll is an expert in all matters and always takes pains to spread his wisdom. He particularly loves to dwell in tech-related realms, where he enlightens reviewers and enhances their work with his insights. Were it not for the Internet Comment Troll, online comment sections might actually be a place for meaningful discourse — and we sure as hell wouldn’t want that.

You might think the Internet Comment Troll operates willy-nilly, leaving crass comments at random — but you’d be wrong. The Internet Comment Troll carefully follows a prescribed list of commandments — 18, to be precise — that dictate his every thought and action.

In a SuperDuperWorldwideExcloosive™, eSarcasm has obtained an official copy of the 18 Commandments of the Internet Comment Troll. Read them carefully. Commit them to memory. And for fuck’s sake, don’t tell anyone you saw them here.

Bias Cat1. If a writer’s opinion differs from the Internet Comment Troll’s opinion, the writer is clearly “bias” and/or on some manufacturer’s payroll.

2. If a writer has an opinion, he is clearly “bias” and/or on some manufacturer’s payroll.

3. “Bias” is always an acceptable substitute for “biased.”

4. Regardless of its actual quality, any product that isn’t made by the Internet Comment Troll’s favorite manufacturer “totally sucks” and/or is “an obvious ripoff” of something else. The Internet Comment Troll has the power to know this without ever having to see, touch, or use the product in question.

5. The Internet Comment Troll’s opinion is more valid than anyone else’s, especially when he has never actually seen, touched, or used the product in question. Seriously, there is ABSOLUTELY NO REASON anyone should buy [whatever the device is that you've just expressed interest in].

troll6. Playground-level insults like “Fandroid” and “iSheep” are perfectly valid and respectable insults when delivered by an Internet Comment Troll. There are no valid responses to these ingenious snubs.

7. A headline is all an Internet Comment Troll needs to read to know exactly what a 3000-word article contends — and, more important, to be prepared to leave a derogatory four-word comment dismissing the entire thing.

8. Speaking of length, any article or blog beyond 140 characters warrants an Internet Troll Comment proclamation of “tl;dr.” Lulz.

9. Any article or blog that covers a topic outside of an Internet Comment Troll’s interest warrants a “Slow news day??” remark.

10. Also acceptable: “How is this news??” and “NOBODY CARES!!!”

11. When commenting on new or upcoming products, a gadget is either “the best thing ever,” if the Internet Comment Troll plans to buy it, or “total crap” if the Internet Comment Troll already owns a competing product. There are no other options.

Troll Man12. Internet Comment Troll comments should contain a minimum of two misspellings and/or grammatical errors.

13. The previous law is particularly pertinent when the Internet Comment Troll is attempting to point out a misspelling and/or grammatical error within an article.

14. If a tech reviewer’s experiences with a product don’t match the Internet Comment Troll’s expectations, the tech reviewer is clearly lying.

15. …and it’s probably because he’s “bias.”

16. An irritated Internet Comment Troll will always make sure to mention that he’ll never visit a certain site or read material by that writer again.Don't Feed the Troll

17. …at least, until the next time the site or writer posts something, at which time he’ll be back to tell them just how wrong they totally are.

18. Uh, hello? There are only 10 commandments. Anyone writing a list on a mildly popular geek-humor site under the premise of 18 commandments is clearly just a no-talent Fandroid having a slow news day. Whose payroll is this hack on, anyway?






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Comments

  • http://www.jrstart.com JR Raphael

    Pre-emptive obligatory first comment:

    NOBODY CARES!!!

  • http://empoprise-bi.blogspot.com/ John E. Bredehoft (Empoprises)

    Ordinarily I wouldn’ bother to reply to this crap, but as a user ot Usenet back in the early 1980s I can categorically state that you have no idea what you are talking about. This is readily heretofore esquire apparent even before your idiotic list begins, when you claim a “SuperDuperWorldwideExcloosive” in which “exclusive” contains two o’s. However, the more abject problem is that you left off the 19th commandment. It’s not surprising that you left off the 19th commandment, because you take hush money from the Mass Media Conglomerate. What is the 19th commandment, you ask? (Of course you ask, because you’re either too stupid to know or you can’t handle the truth.)

    19. An Internet Comment Troll’s life is not complete until you are accused of being an agent or a dupe of the ICT’s pet conspiracy theory.

    So I demand that you reveal the funding sources for eSarcasm. Lesser minds probably think that you’re funded by an evil terrorist such as Osama (who is still alive, as you well know), Donald Trump, or Michael Arrington, but I am absolutely certain that you are funded by the Illuminati belowground in Brussels, who are intent on entertaining the sheeple with bread and circuses until the secret Apple/Google/Burger King conspiracy enslaves us all.

    And in case you delete this comment, I am preserving it in a grainy video that will be placed in a downloadable torrent.

  • http://empoprise-bi.blogspot.com/ John E. Bredehoft (Empoprises)

    Ordinarily I wouldn’ bother to reply to this crap, but as a user ot Usenet back in the early 1980s I can categorically state that you have no idea what you are talking about. This is readily heretofore esquire apparent even before your idiotic list begins, when you claim a “SuperDuperWorldwideExcloosive” in which “exclusive” contains two o’s. However, the more abject problem is that you left off the 19th commandment. It’s not surprising that you left off the 19th commandment, because you take hush money from the Mass Media Conglomerate. What is the 19th commandment, you ask? (Of course you ask, because you’re either too stupid to know or you can’t handle the truth.)

    19. An Internet Comment Troll’s life is not complete until you are accused of being an agent or a dupe of the ICT’s pet conspiracy theory.

    So I demand that you reveal the funding sources for eSarcasm. Lesser minds probably think that you’re funded by an evil terrorist such as Osama (who is still alive, as you well know), Donald Trump, or Michael Arrington, but I am absolutely certain that you are funded by the Illuminati belowground in Brussels, who are intent on entertaining the sheeple with bread and circuses until the secret Apple/Google/Burger King conspiracy enslaves us all.

    And in case you delete this comment, I am preserving it in a grainy video that will be placed in a downloadable torrent.

    • Arcticwolf1966

      Damn! you beat me too it. Who’s payroll are you on?

      • http://churchofgodtest.blogspot.com John D Carmack

        Wait? You’ve not figured it out? He’s part of the kabal, after all. Ordinarily, I wouldn’t read such kabal drivel, and I never intend to ever never ever again! Until next time.

    • Arcticwolf1966

      Oh, and BTW it is McDonalds, not Burger King, that is trying to enslave us.

  • GastonP

    This article sucks. It is clearly bias towards Android equipment.
    In which manufacturer’s payroll are you to disclose this commandment list in the open?

    :P

  • http://www.mysocialmediafoundations.com/ irene

    the internet is full of nasty little viruses..

  • Rdx

    This seems like a internet bloggers excuse for writing unbalanced content and blaming any criticism as “troll”.

    In your own words: any one who does not agree with you, you call “u r so troll”

  • dyeyourcarpet

    Let’s the hardware and software speak for itself. Blissful ignorance is a substitute for analytical thinking. Is this the Onion?

  • Polymorphin

    lulz

  • Rahul B

    Just 11 Tweets so this article is an #epic fail.