Rants In Our Pants

Snowden Meets Seuss: Oh, The Places He’ll Go

Where do you go when you’re Edward Snowden? Here’s some advice from the late great Dr. Seuss.

By (@tynanwrites)

July 1, 2013

Oh The Places He’ll Go

(With apologies to the memory of Theodor Geisel.)

dr-seuss oh the places you'll goOh the places you’ll go when
You’re Edward Snowden

With brains in your head
And help from some friends
You’ll do what you can to avoid a bad end

You fled to Hong Kong, a very fine place
But the Chinese removed you so they could save face

You could be in Russia, sipping vodka with Putin 
A very good place to avoid all the shootin’

Or maybe in Iceland, inside a volcano 
Or deep in the jungles of Lower Botswano

You could explore the artic, where the normal world ends
You could dance ’round the pole with your pole-dancing friend

ed snowden adventures 600pYou could go anywhere, you’re not very greedy 
So long as there’s no extradition treaty 
With spies on your tail and a thumb drive in hand 
You’ll find a fine place to make your last stand

It might be in Equador, or maybe Peru 
It might be in Cuba or Kalamazoo 
We understand the weather’s grand in South Timbuktoo 
The choices are endless; it’s all up to you

But the NSA wants you, and that isn’t good 
You’d do best to avoid Uncle Sam’s neighborhood 
You’ve exposed all his spying, not to mention his lying 
He’s determined to find you — and he’ll never stop trying

edward snowden lindsay mills pole dancerIf the spooks do catch you, if they don’t fail 
They’ll wrap you in chains and throw you in jail 
You’ll face a huge trial, it will be a big thing 
You’ll do life in prison; you might even swing

You thought you lived in the United States 
Turns out you lived in a surveillance state 
Is that really news? 
Not to us. And certainly not to youse

And now you’re stuck in an unpleasant space 
A most useless weirdish Waiting Place 
where nothing ever happens…

Waiting for WikiLeaks to call 
Waiting for the next shoe to fall 
Waiting for Greenwald’s next post 
Waiting for a crust of toast
Waiting for senators to call you ‘traitor’ 
Waiting for an elevator 
Everyone is just waiting 
To see what happens next

No, that’s not for you
And if despite your careful planning 
You end up next to Bradley Manning 
Even wearing a jumpsuit colored orange 
Beats sharing a futon with Julian Assange

julian-banana-republic-smallOh the places you’ll go when 
You’re Edward Snowden

Yours is the spy story of the hour 
Part Jason Bourne, part Austin Powers 
And if the NSA fails to fall, take heart 
At least we know more than we used to, and that’s a start

Photo of Ed Snowden courtesy of every friggin’ site on the Internet.

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