Alternate Reality

Apple Sues Google For Stealing Stuff It Just Invented

Google stole tons of new features from iOS 7, Apple says, and put them into Android products three years ago. An eSarcasm exclusive.

By (@JRRaphael)

June 13, 2013

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Apple Sues GoogleApple has filed a retroactive lawsuit against Google for stealing a bunch of stuff it just invented with iOS 7, eSarcasm has learned.

The lawsuit claims Google has been using Apple’s newly innovated concepts, introduced on Monday, in its Android software for the past three years. The concepts in question include such features as auto-app updates, moving wallpapers with pastel-colored circles, a browsing experience that doesn’t make you want to kill yourself, and a somewhat post-2007 UI design.

“Apple prides itself on innovation and values,” a statement released by the company proclaims. “We will not stand by and watch Google copy the groundbreaking concepts we just invented and put them into its products three years ago.”

Apple went onto reiterate that “stealing isn’t right,” with CEO Tim Cook promising that “innovation and values will triumph once again.”

Apple is expected to file another retroactive lawsuit against Google in 2015 when it invents widgets, the slide-to-type keyboard, and a personal smartphone assistant that actually works.

SEE ALSO: Apple Files Patent for the Filing of Patents

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  • This is about as good as Apple’s suit against Xerox PARC in 1989. Or something like that.

  • TedKidd

    The patent system is broken. Apple is just an example of an overzealous player on a corrupt/broken playing field. Fix the field so this behavior isn’t rewarded, and the behavior goes away.

  • oh dear lord apple!

    HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAH u wonder why apple products are so stupidly expensive! They have to pay a shit load of incompetent lawyers!

  • Dave

    If they had it 3 years ago, why wouldn’t they have done something about it when or “IF” Google were to use their ‘idea’… -_- ZZZzzzzZzzzz nuthin new Apple.

  • Ashish

    Is this for real.

    • FUCKeSacarsm

      Its fake dude
      Just a makeup story
      Those bastards like to make up stories

      • This just in: Relying on a site called eSarcasm for actual legitimate news may be dangerous to your mental health.

        (Exhibit A: This guy.)

  • chickadix

    Apple sat that stealing isn’t right. How come they steal from every consumer of their products by overpricing, and making their stuff with very fragile materials. Easily breakable glass, and aluminum – really? I should have looked and handled before committing to a contract with this co. grrrrrrr!

    Then of course there is the issue of having to pay for every darn thing you want to do. Why can’t I use the tunes I’ve bought as ringtones? In the past I have heard a lot of bad stuff said about windows, but they let you keep what you buy, and use how you will. Even the games, you can’t even buy a game and that be the end of it. No, apple want people to pay repeatedly for the simplest add-ons. Basically Apple is over-priced rubbish. I’ve had more problems than enough after doing software updates. Loss of all appointments in my calendar, loss of all contacts, but for some reason the numbers were intact.

  • chickadix

    Darn predictive txt got me yet again – ’twas supposed to say, “Apple say.”

  • Gary Lai

    Apple just invented iWork too, and is going to sue Google for Google Docs because they copied it five years ago.

  • RokStarr

    Stealing something from someone before it is even developed by that someone is insane. Apple is just jealous that other companies like Google and Samsung have been doing better than itself. Apple died with Steve. With cook its just bullshit.

  • DN

    I have to wonder if the comments here are intentionally inane or if people really do think that the story could be real . . .

    • you’d be surprised how often that happens around here. or perhaps not….


  • Jeremy Decker

    This sarcasm!! Even bad sarcasm. Sarcasm none the less.

  • John Doe

    Hilarious read, thanks eSarcasm.

  • fuckuesarcasm

    Go FUCK yourself

    • I did earlier. It was sublime.

      • Atifsh

        Haha this is far better than the actual post :-)

  • This is patently silly.

    Apple stands a much better chance of suing Microsoft for the look and feel it had the temerity to include into Windows Phone in 2010.

  • PVP-ian

    I have to sue you for giving me a stomach pain. Simply great. Am becoming a fan of yours retroactively.

  • Arcticwolf1966

    I am waiting for Apple to sue Chevrolet for Candy APPLE Red!

  • Batman