Alternate Reality

BREAKING: Dr. Stanley Dorkus to Join Venture Capital Firm

Sex advisor to the stars takes on new role as financial advisor to the startups. An eSarcasm exclusive.

By (@tynanwrites)

May 6, 2013

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

andresseen dorkus doerrIn a shocking development, Dr. Stanley L. Dorkus (aka “Dr. Smartass”) has announced he’ll be leaving his current post as sex advisor to eSarcasm and joining a high-powered silicon valley venture capital firm.

The newly formed Doerr Andreessen & Dorkus Group will focus on providing infusions of capital to emerging fast-track technology firms that offer quick pay outs to early investors while anally violating everyone else.

To determine if he was qualified to make billion-dollar decisions that could alter the course of human history, Dorkus was required to pass a battery of tests. When shown a hole in the ground, for example, he was able to correctly distinguish it from his anus 4 times out of 5, putting well ahead of other recent entrants to the VC world.

When reached for comment, Dorkus released a statement through his attorneys:

“I am endebted to Junior, David, and the rest of the eSarcasm gang for their continued support, especially during those dark days when my movements were constrained by a series of arbitrarily imposed court orders. I hope to continue to write for eSarcasm and other publications with laughably porous conflict-of-interest policies in the future.”

angel boom boom labouef

A licensed physician*, Dorkus’s previous VC experience had been limited to angel investments – specifically, payments of $3,497 in a series of $1 increments to a Ms. Angel “Boom Boom” Labouef.

eSarcasm co-co-founder JR Raphael released the following statement:

“We are saddened by the loss of Dr. Dorkus, as well as the mysterious disappearance of our petty cash drawer, which we plan to investigate at the soonest opportunity. We wish him all the best. But we really do need that cash.”

* Medical license valid only in Latvia, Estonia, and parts of Belarus.

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