Rants In Our Pants

The 11 Most Totally Insane Stories BuzzFeed Hasn’t Run Yet

But don’t worry, they probably will. If it can fit into some kind of ‘listicle’, it will find its way to BuzzFeed. It’s really just a matter of time.

By (@tynanwrites)

May 1, 2013

Breasts, puppies, kittens, small children commanding dangerous amounts of firepower – if it’s possible to slap on some blurry photos and corral them into a list, you’re likely to find them on BuzzFeed. This magic listicle formula has enabled BuzzFeed to become an inexplicably popular Web site in a very short time.

We have chosen not to interpret the fact that BuzzFeed has received at least $35 million in venture capital as a sign the apocalypse is imminent, and instead decided to follow them around at trade shows, hoping some of that money will fall out of their pockets.

As a site that indulges in the occasional listicle (OK, more than occasional), we have nothing but respect and admiration for BuzzFeed’s shameless brazen innovative attempts at generating traffic.

To honor them, we’ve created the ultimate listicle of BuzzFeed listicles. Put that in your bong and smoke it, Ben Smith.

Note: All of the following images are borrowed from actual BuzzFeed listicles. The headlines not so much.


96 More Adorable Kittens That Are Even More Adorable Than the Last Batch of Adorable Kittens

kittykat

If this doesn’t jack our SEO through the roof, nothing will.


27 Third Graders Who Are Packin’ Semi-Automatic Weapons

rifle slinging 3rd grader-400p

Lock and load, Honey Boo Boo.


17 Blah Blah Blah Kate Upton in a Bikini Blah Blah

kate upton bikini 500p

You had us at “Kate Upton.” But you knew that already.


14 Hot Male Actors Who Have No Nipples and One Hunky Guy Who Has Three

3nipples no waiting

We didn’t Photoshop any of these, we swear. OK, maybe just a little.


32 Impossibly Cute Children Who Will Later Turn Out to Be Serial Killers

drew barrymore serial killer

Actually, that’s Drew Barrymore. But close enough.


77 Women Who Can Predict the Future Using Their Breasts

kate upton breasts omg

Amazingly, all of these women also look just like Kate Upton. Who’d have predicted that?


38 Signs You’re Actually an Alien and Don’t Know It

tyra banks alien 400p

This is Tyra Banks. We rest our case.


42 Things That Look Like Penises But Aren’t

kitten stiffie 400p

Notice that we managed to sneak yet another adorable kitten in there. Are we awesome or what?


37 Things That Actually Are Penises But Don’t Look Like Them

tree boner 400p

Many of them belonging to our staff members. See what we just did there? Staff… members? Can’t we get a little love here?


26 Photos of Scantily Clad Teen Actresses That Are In No Way Intended to Appeal to Pedophiles

emma watson nip slip 400p

Actually, Emma Watson is now 23. But you can still pretend she’s little Hermoine. We won’t tell anyone.


182 Random Photos We Just Had Lying Around and Decided ‘What the Hell, Let’s Post The Fuckers’

random buzzfeed shite 400p

Because that’s just how we roll.






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Comments

  • http://empoprise-bi.blogspot.com/ John E. Bredehoft (Empoprises)

    I dunno. No bacon and no tech gadgets. These lists seem pretty weak. Although I guess they include Kate Upton.

    • http://esarcasm.com dantynan

      ummmm, bacon.