Alternate Reality

Google Announces Plan to Phase Out Internet

Citing boredom and a desire to move on, Google says it plans to pull the plug on the Interent later before the end of summer. Exclusivo para eSarcasm.

By (@tynanwrites)

April 1, 2013

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

THE INTERNET 1969 - 2013Google decided it has had enough of the Internet, and plans to phase it out before the end of the summer, eSarcasm has learned.

In a blog post, software engineering intern Alan Wanker wrote that while billions of people rely heavily on the Internet for their news, work, shopping, and entertainment, it no longer made sense for Google to support it. So like Reader, Buzz, Wave, Health, Gears, Knol, and 1,681 other non-mission-critical Google projects, the Net will be shuttered.

“We know the Internet has a devoted following who will be very sad to see it go,” he wrote. “We’re sad too. But the fact is, we’re bored. And frankly, we already have more money than we know what to do with.”

donald trumps flyaway hair-smallWanker says Google plans to devote its considerable resources to other more interesting projects, including developing the first human colony on Mars, solving the Gaussian Moat problem*, and doing something about Donald Trump’s hair.

The Internet will continue to be available until August 1, after which its 2.4 billion users will be asked to find an alternate way to exchange videos of adorable kittens.

* No, we have no friggin clue what that means either. Do we look like math nerds?

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