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Hard Drive: 14 Killer Features of the Bill Gates Condom

Bill Gates is working on the next generation of condoms (yes, seriously) — and only eSarcasm has the skinny on how the high-tech rubbers will revolutionize sex as we know it.

By (@jr_raphael)

March 26, 2013

Bill Gates CondomDon’t look now, but Bill Gates wants to get in your pants.

The guy who brought us Windows is working on creating a new kind of condom that resolves the rubber’s current conundrum — you know, the fact that no guy actually wants to wear one.

“The primary drawback from the male perspective is that condoms decrease pleasure as compared to no condom,” Gates declared via his foundation. “Or, at least, that’s what people who have actually had sex tell me,” he forgot to add.

Gates and his foundation are offering a $100,000 prize to anyone who can come up with a “next generation” condom that people would want to use. The competition is just getting started, but eSarcasm has obtained an exclusive series of documents detailing Gates’ own vision for the prophylactic.

So ladies and gentlemen, prepare yourselves for some seriously sexy protection: We give you the 14 killer features of the Bill Gates Condom.

1. Just like Windows always takes 20 minutes to start up, Gates Condoms will make sure you take at least 20 minutes to, erm, load. No More Premature Winjaculations!™

2. The Gates Condom offers support for a wide range of external hard drives. (Sorry, no floppies.)

Bill Gates Condom Confirmation3. Gates Condoms make your safety a top priority. Anytime you attempt to initiate a new action, your prophylactic will confirm that you really want to continue. And just like Windows, Gates Condoms ensure that you only have an 89.9 percent chance of contracting a virus during use.

4. The Gates Condom is made to fit your lifestyle. Pick from your choice of Condom XS, Condom 7, Condom 8, Condom 9, and Condom Seriously Dude?!?

5. The Gates Condom is designed to be used with a variety of platforms. In other words, yes: It has an extremely touch-sensitive interface.

6. Feeling extra kinky? No problem: Gates Condoms work fine with peripherals.

7. It’s the only condom that gives you an excuse to say: “Hey, baby. The Wow starts now.”

Bill Gates Condom Package Verification8. Every Gates Condom comes equipped with a Windows-esque Package Verification feature. Ladies, never worry about a disappointing delivery again!

9. Two words: Toolbar Ribbon.

10. The Gates Condom is fully customizable and designed with power users in mind. If you need some extra oomph, you can upgrade your RAM, and — while it may require advanced system knowledge — backdoor access is always an option.

11. All Gates Condoms come with a convenient Control Panel to help you navigate your lady’s special parts. Just like Windows, you’ll find 467 baffling menus, each with 86 submenus and 7,000 corresponding drivers. Good luck, pal!

12. If you experience performance issues, you can always blame it on the Vista engine crashing.

13. Speaking of crashes, the new Gates Condoms are guaranteed never to end with the BBOD (Blue Balls of Death).

Bill Gates Condom Clippy14. If you get lost, you can always call upon the Virtual Assistant to guide your way. Just wait till you see the look on her face when this guy shows up in bed… –>

SEE ALSO: Google Condoms: Coming Soon?






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Comments

  • http://empoprise-bi.blogspot.com/ John E. Bredehoft (Empoprises)

    You forgot the most important feature.
    Unlike other manufacturers who have closed systems and arduous rules (“don’t hold it like that”), the manufacturers of the Gates products promise an easily accessible architecture that easily accommodates add-ons from third (and, if you’re really into experimentation, fourth) parties.
    CPO Steve Ballmer has even produced a video in which he expresses his…um, commitment to those DEVELOPERS that will produce compatible products. And I understand that he got really sweaty during the making of that video.