Rants In Our Pants

Ten Celebrities We’d Like to See Become Pope

As the Vatican ponders who will succeed Pope Benedict XVI, please allow us to make a few suggestions.

By (@tynanwrites)

February 27, 2013

pope gandalf

In two days Pope Benedict XVI will be hanging up his vestments, mothballing his solid gold scepter, and staking out his favorite table at the Vatican City Starbucks. The Holy See is scrambling frantically to find a suitable replacement. Meanwhile, no 2000-year-old institution more desperately needs a makeover than the scandal-plagued Catholic Church.

That’s where we come in. We think it’s time for the Vatican to throw out the old rule book and get with the times. Nothing says “We may be entering our third millennium but we’re still down with the kids” more than nominating a celebrity pope. And if you can turn the process into a reality TV show – boom! People will instantly forget about all the priest-on-priest sex scandals, pedophilia and the decades-long cover-ups.

It’s a win all around. And with that in mind, we have a few suggestions for who should replace Big Ben.

Bono. As an Irish catholic, the U2 frontman can talk guilt, expiation and transubstantiation with the best of them. Infallibility? Check. An overwhelming urge to share his opinions on every single topic with the entire world? Check. Also, he’s used to people referring to him as “Your holiness.”

donald trumps flyaway hair-small

Donald Trump. Can you say Vatican Apprentice? If you’re going to turn the papacy into a reality TV show there’s really no better choice. We can’t wait to watch him say “You’re excommunicated!” to the entire College of Cardinals. Also: He really needs to put a hat on that thing.

Charlie Sheen. Four words: Tiger blood of Christ.

Madonna. If you’re trying to become the first female pope, it helps to be named Madonna. Like Bono, she’s got a Catholic upbringing, so she can figure out what the hell those Cardinals are yammering on about. Unlike Pope Benedict, she has enjoyed carnal relations with the opposite sex, but she’s still like a virgin – and these days, that’s about as close as we’re likely to get.

Gandalf. Roll that hair up under a hat and we’re pretty much there.

Pee Wee Herman. Honestly, who wouldn’t want to see this happen? While he may have been convicted of fondling little Pee Wee in public, he’s never been accused of molesting Clocky or Pteri the Pterodactyl, putting him ahead of most candidates.

ryan gosling pope meme

Ryan Gosling. Because every papal address should begin with “Hey girl.”

Jose Canseco. First he laid to rest that bullshit about a meteor hitting Russia. (Everybody knows it was really a North Korean nuclear test.) Then he redefined how gravity works. (Turns out it’s a lot like the weather.) Who better to deny the existence of evolution while defending the notion of a virgin birth?

Seth MacFarlane. Believe it or not, there are still nearly a billion Catholics around the world he hasn’t offended yet. Also: He’s not gay. Really.

Beyoncé. Because anyone who can make the Super Bowl halftime show exciting can clearly work miracles.

Editor’s note: eSarcasm would like to apologize for deeply offending more than 1.2 billion people in just 486 words. But at least we didn’t call an adorable 9-year-old actress a c***.

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