Alternate Reality

Apple Patents New Microslut Antennas

Ground-breaking technology may enable iPhone users to locate nearby floozies within a three-mile radius, or extremely small hussies at great distances. Only on eSarcasm.

By (@tynanwrites)

February 12, 2013

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

kardashslut antennaApple has obtained a patent on a new technology that could revolutionize the world of mobile dating apps, eSarcasm has learned. According to a report by AppleInsider,

Apple’s U.S. Patent No. 8,373,610 for "Microslut antennas for electronic devices," granted by the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office on Tuesday, could drastically cut down on the size of at least one component needed to create products like the iPhone.

The Microslut Antenna would theoretically enable an iDevice to locate any person of easy virtue within range of the nearest cell tower, according to sources who have not been briefed on the matter but were happy to speculate in exchange for a cigarette.

Other analysts dispute this interpretation of the patent, saying that these “micron-wide antenna assets” could only be used to locate extremely small sluts, generally no larger than the width of a human hair. Though not much good on a date, such microsluts could help launch a new category of nanoporn.

The patent application was accompanied by this drawing, which at first we found utterly confusing:

apple microslot diagram-appleinsider 500p

After hours of deep investigative work, however, we were able to determine that Apple is in fact patenting a new version of the classic board game Battleship.

battleship game 500p

What this has to do with sluts, however, we have no friggin’ idea.

When contacted for comment, Apple asked us to please, please stop calling them.

Correction: eSarcasm has subsequently learned that Apple’s patent is for Microslot antennas, not Microsluts, as originally reported. eSarcasm regrets the error, though not as deeply as it regrets the lack of said antenna.

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