Alternate Reality

Top 10 Ways to Tell if You’ve Been Hacked by the Chinese

For the last four months The New York Times has been infiltrated by Chinese hackers. It could happen to you, too. Here are the top 10 signs you’ve been hacked. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

By (@tynanwrites)

January 31, 2013

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

chinese-spyLast night the New York Times revealed that it has been infiltrated by Chinese hackers. It seems that for the last four months cyber spies from China have been having their way with the Times’ network. Per the report:

The attackers first installed malware — malicious software — that enabled them to gain entry to any computer on The Times’s network. …. Security experts found evidence that the hackers stole the corporate passwords for every Times employee and used those to gain access to the personal computers of 53 employees, most of them outside The Times’s newsroom.

A spokesperson for the Chinese government denied that its agents hacked into computers at the New York Times or anywhere else, but added that if Maureen Down would kindly upload more hot selfpics in that Victoria Secrets Wonder Bra it would be most accommodating.

If the Gray Lady can get pwned by the Chinese, chances are pretty good you can be too. How can you tell if you’ve been hacked by the Chinese? Here are the top ten signs:

10. You call your cable company’s customer support but end up getting connected to the Joy Luck House of Oriental Massage.

Shirtless-wen jiabao

9. Your desktop wallpaper image is now a shirtless Wen Jiabao waxing his Trans Am in the driveway of the Imperial Palace.

8. You are now Facebook friends with The National People’s Committee for the Eradication of Intestinal Parasites in Domesticated Livestock.

7. You sit at your keyboard and are gripped by an inexplicable urge to assemble iPhones for 27 cents an hour.

6. Somebody has been using your Amazon account to shop for Hello Kitty underwear.

5. You’ve just posted an impassioned, comprehensive and eloquent response to some cretin’s idiotic argument on the Huffington Post, but 30 minutes later you’re angry again.

4. The celebrity voice on your GPS navigation system has been switched from Darth Vader to Jackie Chan.

3. Your tweets have taken on an enigmatic, strangely Zenlike quality.

esarc suntzu tweet large

2. You search for “Falun Gong,” but Google only shows you results for Jimmy Fallon, Alicia Keys’ “Fallin,” and The Gong Show.

And the number one way to tell if you’ve been hacked by the Chinese?

1. They deny it.

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