Rants In Our Pants

Biggest Douchebags of 2012

It’s been a year rich with D-baggery. We’ve got the goods on the biggest, baddest, and douchiest of the year. An eSarcasm exclusive.

By (@tynanwrites)

December 31, 2012

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After a brief hiatus in 2011 (followed by 200 hours of community service), our Douchebag of the Year awards are back and douchier than ever. And just in a nick of time, too. From hate-spewing shock jocks to ethics-free bloggers to elected officials with truly visionary views of the capabilities of female anatomy, it’s been quite a year for douchebaggery in all forms.

Without further ado, here are eSarcasm’s picks for the biggest douchebags of 2012:

Rush Limbaugh. Yes, we know: Calling the portly cigar chomping schlock jock a d-bag is like calling Kermit a frog or Kim Kardashian a skank. But Rush achieved new heights in douchetude last February when he called law student Sandra Fluke a “slut” and a “prostitute” after she testified before Congress in support of the Obamacare contraceptive mandate. Hey Rush, you kiss your momma with that mouth? Or just sluts and prostitutes?

Big Data. It knows when you’ve been sleeping and when you’re awake. It knows if you’ve been naughty or nice. It knows who you’re planning to vote for and that you’ve been knocked up two months before your dad finds out. If you’re even thinking of doing something illegal, immoral, or fattening, Big Data will know that too. In short, BD is one nosy motherfucker – and a huge DB.

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The Family Boo Boo. Six-year-old Alana Thompson is too young to qualify for DB status; according to the FCC’s Bieber Rule she must be at least 13. But HBB’s parents Shannon June and Mike Thompson certainly meet the age and weight requirements. It’s the classic American Success Story: Famous at 6, washed up at 9, in rehab by 12. Thanks mom and dad!

The Maya. Apocalypse, ashmocalypse. The 2012 meltdown was the biggest letdown since those nude photos of Kate Middleton. Now we’re stuck with another year of Honey Boo Boo. Damn you, Mayans. Damn you to hell.

Randi Zuckerberg. Mark’s big sister lands in our list after a subscriber to her Facebook news feed shared a photo of the Family Zuckerberg spending a festive Christmas hanging out in the kitchen sexting each other. After Buzzfeed’s Callie Schweitzer reposted the pic to her Twitter account, RZ accused her of lacking “human decency” and proceeded to freak out about her privacy being violated (on Facebook, natch). Privacy violations on Facebook? We are shocked. Does Mark know?

Michael Arrington & MG Siegler. More than a year after being banished from TechCrunch for ethical conflicts, the Abbot & Costello of TechVentCapBlogging quietly returned to their old posts. Apparently they were just waiting for Ariana Huffington to be kicked upstairs by her AOL overlords. Thank god for that; the world needs more pompous, poorly written, self aggrandizing blog posts.

You see any blow on my nose?

Kanye West & Kim Kardashian. As individuals they are world class d-bags. Together, they are an unstoppable force of douchebaggiocity. And now that they’ve decided to spawn, the world of DBs may never be the same. Meet KanDee Westdashian, Douchebag of the Year for 2037.

Todd Akin. The Republican senatorial candidate earns his award for forcibly inserting the phrase “legitimate rape” into our national lexicon, as well as the concept of magic vaginas that automatically repel sperm not pre-endorsed by God. (HT also @RichardMourdock.) Voters in Missouri responded by automatically repelling Akin on election day. We’re guessing he didn’t get God’s endorsement, either.

And finally, the award you’ve all been waiting for….

Douchebag of the Year: Donald Trump

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Like Rush Limbaugh, the Donald is a perpetual candidate for this coveted award. Really, the hair alone is enough. But this year DT truly earned his DBOY. From pretending to run for the Republican nomination for 15 minutes, to his “bombshell” offer to donate $5 million to charity for five minutes alone with Obama’s birth certificate, this is a man desperate for media attention, no matter how craven. Who does he think he is, Julian Assange?

Uncle “DB” Sam image courtesy of Teamhackaday.






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Comments

  • Chris Worthington

    No mention of the biggest douchebag of 2012 – Barak Obama? Going to Vegas and partying it up with Jay-Z and Beyonce when Americans were getting raped and killed in Benghazi, then saying it was a video for 2 weeks? Come on!

    • http://esarcasm.com dantynan

      thanks for making the required wingnut response. we knew somebody would eventually, and the suspense was killing us. 

      • U R a Wanker

        Thanks for making the required Obamabot response. He had multiples examples of extreme douchebag behavior that certainly should have landed him in the top 3 of any 2012 D-bag list.

  • Stacy W

    Brett Gyllenskog