Alternate Reality

eSarcasm LLC acquired by Google for $400 million

Purchase of beloved humor site by ad and search giant delights and surprises co-founders, worries and confuses everyone else.

By (@tynanwrites)

November 26, 2012

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

In a move that has stunned the tech world, advertising giant Google Inc. has purchased beloved geek satire site eSarcasm for $400 million, eSarcasm has learned.

With the purchase, Google said it “hopes to diversify its portfolio of pathetically underperforming sites, which currently includes Orkut, Wallet, Shopping, and some even Sergey and Larry don’t know about.”

The news follows on the heels of a similar report that Google was buying obscure WiFi hotspot provider ICOA, which later proved to be based entirely on a fake press release, but not before TechCrunch ran with it without verifying anything and dozens of other Web sites followed suit.

Given Google’s often unkind treatment of the juvenile but PG13-rated humor site, the news came as a surprise to nearly everyone involved, including eSarcasm co-founder JR Raphael.

“Frankly, we were blown away by this,” said Raphael. “If we knew that all it took to get acquired was to publish a bogus press release, we’d have done this three years ago. Score!”

To celebrate, Raphael issued a memo declaring that pants-free Fridays rules would be extended for all employees indefinitely until the deal closed.

After the news broke, eSarcasm’s stock price on the Under The Sweater/Over The Bra market rose 600 percent to almost $0.000002 cents a share.

eSarcasm medical advisor and recent parolee Dr. Stanley Dorkus (aka Dr. Smartass) could not be reached for comment, as he was too busy snorting cocaine from the breasts of a stripper.

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