Alternate Reality

US Issues New Guidelines for Republican Self Deportation

Following President Obama’s re-election, US officials are offering an easy way for grief-stricken Romney supporters to leave the country. An eSarcasm exclusive.

By (@tynanwrites)

November 7, 2012

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

On the heels of President Obama’s narrow but decisive victory in the 2012 presidential contest, the US Department of Citizenship and Immigration Services has issued new guidelines for anguished Romney supporters who wish to leave the country before it goes completely to shit over the next four years.

The new Application for Self Deportation consists of ten questions that can be answered by anyone with at least a third-grade education, which includes more than 62 percent of Romney supporters.

“We want to make it as easy as possible for these people to leave the country as quickly as possible,” said an Immigration official who asked to remain anonymous but could not stop smiling. “Really, tomorrow would not be soon enough.”

eSarcasm has obtained a copy of the application form, which we reprint here it in its entirety as a public service.

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