Alternate Reality

Presidential Polling Data Undersamples Aliens and Unicorns, Amateur Pollster Reveals

Unscrewed Polls tells the real story of the 2012 presidential race, free from statistical bias. Guess what? The Republicans are winning big with invisible beasts and extraterrestrials.

By (@tynanwrites)

September 30, 2012

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Republican candidate McNewt Romtorich has opened a substantial lead over incumbent President Obama, though you wouldn’t know it if you read any of the more than two dozen polls tracking the presidential race.

Polling data overemphasizes things like party affiliation while undersampling key components of the Romtorich constituency, including space aliens, imaginary friends, and unicorns, explains Dean Flambers, founder and sole operator of Adjusted to properly reflect the Republican base, Flambers’ numbers show Romtorich ahead by nearly double digits.

Mainstream polling firms like Gallup, Harris, or Zogby are simply doing it wrong, says Flambers. They survey likely voters by making calls to landlines and cell phones, completely bypassing the telepathic channels favored by extraterrestrial visitors and invisible beasts.

They also ask the wrong questions, he adds.

“The right question isn’t, ‘Who are you likely to vote for in November?’” Flambers explains. “The right question is, ‘Are you better off now than you were before an avowed Muslim terrorist-socialist who was not born in this country staged a bloodless coup and threatened all of our Constitutional freedoms?’ I think we all know the answer to that one.”

Though not a professional pollster, Flambers does possess an associates degree in applied mathematics and cosmetology from DeVries College. His analysis points to a major landslide by the Republican party.

“The unicorn vote alone could make the difference in Ohio and Pennsylvania,” says Flambers. “Assuming, of course, it’s not offset by a strong turnout of left-leaning leprechauns and minotaurs.”

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