Alternate Reality

Apple: iOS 6 Maps Are Fine; People Are Just Using Them Wrong

What, you thought Apple’s magical software was actually flawed? Think again, muchacho. An eSarcasm exclusive.

By (@JRRaphael)

September 20, 2012

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Apple iOS 6 MapsFollowing a growing number of complaints over its new iOS 6 Maps technology, Apple has issued a statement exclusively to eSarcasm addressing user concerns.

“We understand that some users are having trouble getting desirable results with our amazing new iOS 6 Maps application,” the statement says. “We have looked into the matter and have concluded that these users are simply using the app wrong.”

Apple went on to note that the non-problem is “not unique to the iPhone” and that people having trouble should “just avoid using the app in that way.”

“We went to a lot of trouble to put these really beautiful shapes into our maps,” a spokesperson explained.

Apple iOS 6 Maps - BeautifulThe company is now reportedly planning to release a series of diagrams and videos in which it’ll show users getting bad directions and blank maps on other mobile platforms. It’ll also offer users a cheap beautiful rubber bumper that’ll serve no functional purpose but will remind them that they’re privileged to be touching an Apple product and need to shut the hell up.

Fans of Apple’s platform are already applauding the move. Daring Furball blogger John Goober posted some pompous-sounding shit on his hipster blog and budding teen porn star Paris Limón reminded us that he’s totally smarter than the other kids in his class.

Apple’s stock went up 7,472 percent following today’s new developments.

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  • Do the iDevices have a covering that protects the device from the drool that emits from the iDevice user when he/she contemplates the awesomeness of the insanely great and magical product that they are holding (correctly) in their hands?

  • 47wing

    All maps lead to a one infinite loop.