Alternate Reality

The Ultimate Complete Definitive No Secrets Guide to the iPhone 5

Everything you almost thought you knew about the iPhone 5 is almost wrong. Here’s the real skinny on the fifth coming of the Jesus Phone. Available only on eSarcasm.

By (@tynanwrites)

September 5, 2012

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

One week from today the truth about the iPhone 5 will finally be revealed. But why wait for an overhyped and underwhelming press conference starring a bunch of middle-aged white guys not named Steve? Thanks to a series of leaks from well placed sources (and about 10,347 speculative blog posts), we have uncovered the one truly revolutionary feature of iPhone Le Cinq.

Ready? Here goes: The iPhone 5 will be almost ¼ of an inch longer than the iPhone 4.

eSarcasm has also learned that the iPhone 5’s case will made from flextanium, the same active ingredient found in Laffy Taffy, which will enable the iDevice to stretch to an almost infinite length. Using sophisticated Photoshop-like technology we’ve created an artist’s rendering of the new iPhone side by side with the iPhone 4S.

Impressive, isn’t it?

According to inside sources (ie, sources who have not left their parent’s basement apartments since June 2009), the iPhone 5 will also sport the following new features:

* The new rear facing camera now peers directly into your soul.

* Multi-thought display. Users will no longer have to touch the device to have it respond to their commands; however, each brain signal must be approved by Apple before it is passed to the phone.

* The phone will offer native support for NFC, though not yet AFC. Apple is apparently still negotiating with the American Football Conference for streaming rights.

* Siri will now speak with a sexy Spanish accent that sounds just like Sofia Vergara’s.

The reaction among Apple fanboys is about what you’d expect.

Darling Furball blogger John Goober called the new longer iPhone 5 “an extraordinary accomplishment I’ve known about for months because I am that fucking well connected, bitches.”

Laris Pemon, author of the ironically named MassiveGreatness blog, called it “massively great – almost as massively great as I am, if that’s massively possible.” He later admitted he hadn’t actually seen the iPhone 5, but as he was leaving for a massive vacation he’d decided to write his review ahead of time.

Celebutante Kim Kardashian noted that “while longer is almost always preferable, I refuse to endorse any product for less than $10,000. I may be a whore, but unlike those other guys I’m a well-paid whore.”

When approached for comment, Apple representatives pretended to be busy reading their text messages until we went away.

Correction: Earlier in this story we implied that bloggers Goober and Pemon are poorly compensated whores. We have subsequently learned that they are in fact well paid. eSarcasm regrets the errors.

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  • Goober and Pemon have now had their chance to see the latest magical device. While scanning my Google+ threads, I found that someone had posted an ACTUAL VIDEO of AN IPHONE 5 BOOTING UP.


    I am speechless.

  • Jeddy Khan

    Looks like a tv remote