Alternate Reality

Dear Marissa: We’re not bitter. No, not us.

Spurning our generous offers, Marissa Mayer has left Google and joined Yahoo. Words cannot describe our disappointment.

By (@tynanwrites)

July 18, 2012

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

So it seems that, for reasons that surpass all understanding, former Google vice president Marissa Mayer has accepted the post of president and CEO of Yahoo.


At this time we can now reveal that we, too, had an offer on the table to Marissa – a standing offer to become eSarcasm’s President, CEO, Chairperson of the Board, and Love Goddess of Eternal Light and Tranquility.

Two years ago we made Marissa an offer we were sure she couldn’t refuse. We put together an impressive compensation package consisting of a gazillion dollars a year, infinite stock options, unlimited use of our corporate jet (once we acquire one), hourly pedicures, and all the TCBY frozen yogurt she could hold.

And then… nothing. Months went by and we got no response to our hundreds of calls, emails, or texts. (Not counting, of course, those cease and desist letters she had Google’s chief counsel send us as a gag. Such a kidder, that Marissa.)

Then, when we invited her to meet us at our lavish Okefenokee headquarters to close the deal over champagne and Little Debbie snack cakes, she cancelled at the last minute. Her personal assistant left us a voice mail; apparently Marissa really wanted to join us, but the final episode of “American Trucker” was on that night and her TiVo wasn’t working properly.

Now at eSarcasm, we’re used to disappointment. In December 2009 we were this close to being acquired by Google, until we discovered that the offer was actually from a company called Gügle, a Slovakian maker of salted pretzels.

In January 2011 we tried to buy MySpace (aka My_____) for the generous sum of $100, but Rupert Murdoch refused to return our calls. (No matter; turns out he had already had bugged our voice mailbox.)

On several occasions we were in late- late- late-stage negotiations to buy TechCrunch, before AOL ultimately stole them away. The sticking point: Our insistence that MG Siegler donate his fingers to science, effectively immediately, so he would be physically unable to ever write another blog post.

But losing Marissa was different. This one really hurt. We had had such good times together. Like that that time in 2010 when we thought she liked someone else, and she thought we liked someone else, but in the end it turned out we really both liked each other all along.

Actually, that’s the plot of every John Hughes film ever made. We always get those things confused. But the point is, it hurts.

And now she’s run off with – we can barely bring ourselves to type it – Yahoo. Why, Marissa, why? Did it have to be Yahoo? Couldn’t you have thrown us over for a real company? Even Aol would have been better than that.

In all seriousness, we wish Ms. Mayer the best in her future endeavors. We hold no grudge. And we want her to know if the Yahoo thing doesn’t work out (and since when does anything at Yahoo ever work out?), the champagne is still on ice, the Little Debbies mostly uneaten.

When Yahoo’s board changes its mind again in a year or so, we’ll be here for her – just like Duckie was for Molly.

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