Alternate Reality

Internet Doomsday Strikes; Billions Thrown Offline

The DNSchanger malware completely destroyed the 43-year-old network, leaving millions of Facebook and Twitter users with nothing to do all fucking day. An eSarcasm special report.

By (@tynanwrites)

July 9, 2012

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

In anticipation of imminent collapse of the InterWebs, this story was written last Friday and scheduled to post on Monday, July 9. – Editors.

Billions of Internet users were stranded today as Internet suffered a complete and utter collapse, eSarcasm has learned.

The DNSchanger malware has left pure devastation in its wake, taking millions of data centers off line and leaving entire households sitting in the dark wondering who the hell all those other people in the room are.

When told that Twitter and Facebook would soon become inaccessible for the rest of eternity, social media guru Lance Furshligenner was beside himself.

“Now how will I annoy countless strangers with the inane details of my pathetic existence?#OMGFAIL!” he said, typing with his fingers in the air like one of those creepy SecondLife avatars. 

“Is the Internet dead,” “Why am the InterWebs not wurking,” and “Kourtney Kardashian & Ernest Borgnine’s love child” were all trending topics on Google at press time.

On Facebook, the reaction was mixed. Many users said they didn’t care whether the Internet still worked, as long as they could continue to share artfully sepia toned images of themselves via Instagram.

Not everyone saw the Internet’s demise in negative terms, however. Blogger MassiveGreatness claims he predicted the Internet’s ultimate collapse more than two months ago, only he introduced certain “nonfactual details” into the story to thwart people who would steal his story and claim it as their own.

“Now everyone knows I had this story first, or they would, if the Internet was still working,” he said.

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