Alternate Reality

Apple Files Lawsuit Against iCarly, Orders All Children to Repent

Apple is suing the fictional Nickelodeon star, claiming irreparable damages to its brand and business model. An eSarcasm exclusive.

By (@jr_raphael)

July 3, 2012

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Apple Lawsuit iCarlyAfter filing lawsuits against practically every company under the sun, Apple has decided to take legal action against fictional Nickelodeon star iCarly, eSarcasm has learned.

Apple claims iCarly is infringing against its patents on “everything related to the lowercase ‘i,'” according to court documents filed Tuesday morning.

“By training children to associate the lowercase ‘i’ with a teenage charlatan, Ms. Carly is damaging the powerful associations and senses of loyalty Apple strives to establish with potential customers at a young age,” the documents state.

“From rabid fanboys to factory workers, the seven- to 14-year-old demographic has proven crucial to Apple’s financial success,” the lawsuit goes on to explain.

A spokesperson for Nickelodeon, which airs the children’s show centered on the iCarly character, tells eSarcasm that “iCarly, like Justin Bieber and other teen idols, is not a real person and therefore can’t be sued.”

iCarlyNineteen-year-old actress Miranda Cosgrove, meanwhile — who plays iCarly on the show — was in the midst of plotting her inevitable sex tape on Tuesday and could not be reached for comment.

When asked if the company was aware of how ridiculous it was starting to look, an Apple spokesperson threatened to sue us.

In related news, Apple has filed an emergency order to request a sales ban as part of its pending lawsuit against God. The suit, as reported exclusively by eSarcasm, claims “intense similarities” between the apple fruit and the company’s trademarked logo. The latest motion was filed in a California court by Apple Chief Counsel Lucifer S. Beelzebub.

(Hat tip: +Pete Mazzaccaro)






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Comments

  • http://empoprise-bi.blogspot.com/ John E. Bredehoft (Empoprises)

    In a 2010 post that mentioned iCarly (and which was based upon the forthcoming announcement of the “iSlate”), I noted that I was getting tired of the i-prefix. Apple has been using it since 1998. My conclusion:

    “If you can use some method to convince Apple – or at least those who purchase Apple products – that the i- prefix is undesirable, uncool, fascist, whatever – then perhaps Apple will change its marketing ploy and get rid of this tired old prefix.”

    Perhaps Tim Cook could be reminded that the first letter of IBM is “i.” That should be enough to change Apple’s ways.

  • Frankinator

    We laugh now, but in 2-3 months this will be a reality.

  • Arcticwolf1966

    And I thought Apple was suing iCarly for buying “Kotex” instead of iPads.

  • Curtis Coburn

    I think Nickelodeon should be sued for some rights by Apple. I mean come on, They have “i” Carly, they have Pear Phones, Pear pads, Pear computers, it’s still a fruit like Apple, just a different name. It bothers me that they have an episode in there thats says that they can’t take an idea, change the name and call it theirs, because that is exactly what Nickelodeon is doing with the technology in all their shows. Nickelodeon.

    • Stovall661

      I don’t see how anyone can sue u for using a letter in the alphabet apple need to sit down somewere and shut up whoever came up with this patent thing need to reevaluate it cause apple is clearly trying to rule everthing. Technology is constantly advancing things will look similar but that doesn’t mean they are coping off apple they couldn’t use that apple I phone so they came up with another device . apple is trying to make there product the only and not give uS a choice that’s why there always suing people

      • Dan

        I can’t believe you two guys are using our site to argue about shows on Nickelodeon. You do realize their is a minimum height requirement for visiting eSarcasm? Your head must be above this line:

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