Alternate Reality

Apple Files Lawsuit Against iCarly, Orders All Children to Repent

Apple is suing the fictional Nickelodeon star, claiming irreparable damages to its brand and business model. An eSarcasm exclusive.

By (@JRRaphael)

July 3, 2012

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Apple Lawsuit iCarlyAfter filing lawsuits against practically every company under the sun, Apple has decided to take legal action against fictional Nickelodeon star iCarly, eSarcasm has learned.

Apple claims iCarly is infringing against its patents on “everything related to the lowercase ‘i,'” according to court documents filed Tuesday morning.

“By training children to associate the lowercase ‘i’ with a teenage charlatan, Ms. Carly is damaging the powerful associations and senses of loyalty Apple strives to establish with potential customers at a young age,” the documents state.

“From rabid fanboys to factory workers, the seven- to 14-year-old demographic has proven crucial to Apple’s financial success,” the lawsuit goes on to explain.

A spokesperson for Nickelodeon, which airs the children’s show centered on the iCarly character, tells eSarcasm that “iCarly, like Justin Bieber and other teen idols, is not a real person and therefore can’t be sued.”

iCarlyNineteen-year-old actress Miranda Cosgrove, meanwhile — who plays iCarly on the show — was in the midst of plotting her inevitable sex tape on Tuesday and could not be reached for comment.

When asked if the company was aware of how ridiculous it was starting to look, an Apple spokesperson threatened to sue us.

In related news, Apple has filed an emergency order to request a sales ban as part of its pending lawsuit against God. The suit, as reported exclusively by eSarcasm, claims “intense similarities” between the apple fruit and the company’s trademarked logo. The latest motion was filed in a California court by Apple Chief Counsel Lucifer S. Beelzebub.

(Hat tip: +Pete Mazzaccaro)

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