Alternate Reality

Julian Assange Seeks Political Asylum in Banana Republic

Clothing chain expresses puzzlement at request but says it will consider granting asylum to WikiLeaks founder after its Storewide Summer Clearance Sale is over.

By (@tynanwrites)

June 25, 2012

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Julian Assange has requested political asylum from Banana Republic, eSarcasm has learned. The popular apparel and accessories chain has several locations in London, including one just a few blocks from where Assange had been held under house arrest for more than a year.

"He marched into the shop, asked to see the manager, and demanded political asylum," says a store employee who asked to remain anonymous. "He was really quite insistent about it. Needless to say we were all rather surprised. He seems more like a J. Crew type to us."

Last Tuesday Assange secretly left the location of his house arrest, a 10-bedroom mansion in a tony London suburb, declaring that he simply couldn’t take any more reruns of Downton Abbey. Analysts say the 40-year-old journalist/hacker may have mistaken Banana Republic for the Ecuadorian embassy, which is located a few doors down the street. Also, they added, after nearly two years he really needed some new underwear.

Assange is on bail awaiting prosecution on charges that he sexually assaulted two women in Sweden two years ago. His attorneys have argued that the sex was consensual, if perhaps also rather icky, and well within long-established rules of Acceptable Celebrity Misconduct.

Assange has publicly expressed fears that once he sets foot off British soil he will have a black bag thrown over his head and be pushed into the back of a black SUV with tinted windows, never to be seen again. He has also expressed fears that he will be played by Cate Blanchett in the movie version of his life.

Since his arrest, Assange has been compiling a list of locations that do not have extradition treaties with the United States. Other places Assange is considering include The Republic of Tea, the Grand Duchy of Fenwick, and Narnia.

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