Alternate Reality

When Apple Doesn’t Talk, People Listen

We can say with absolute certainty Apple will be coming out with new products later this year. Beyond that? You’ll just have to ask our expert, Swami Al Salami.

By (@tynanwrites)

July 22, 2009

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

apple netbook swamiIt’s financial reporting season, and that can only mean one thing: Six million blogs hanging on every word that drops from Apple executives’ lips, followed by more rumors than you can shake an iPhone at.

Like any site that pretends to deliver actual news while spending most of our time surfing porn, we at eSarcasm are intensely interested in every rumor that comes out of Apple, including of course, rumors about rumors coming out of Apple.

But separating actual Apple news from the complete and utter bullshit generated by most online “news sources” isn’t a job for amateurs. So we elicited the help of Swami Al Salami, famed eastern mystic and worldwide distributor of cured ham products.

“To divine the mysteries of Apple one must examine not only what they do not say, but also how they do not say it,” the swami intoned. “It is a subtle distinction, not like the difference between a truly fine Proscuitto di Parma and the crap they sell at Subway.”

Al Salami points to this example from yesterday’s TechCrunch report:

… Apple COO Tim Cook reiterated Apple’s stance that “Our goal is not to build the most computers. It’s to build the best.” ….But wording is everything, and Cook once again didn’t exactly eliminate the possibility of Apple making a new type of portable computing device…. he also specifically called out two price points that he thought are producing junky products, and implied that such price points will continue to produce junky products: $399 and $499. And so if Apple is working on a tablet computer (or a larger screen iPod touch) of some kind, it will likely be priced above $500. To Apple watchers, that is obvious, but it’s still important to hear Cook more or less say it.

“Mr. Cook said – or rather, did not say – nothing of the sort,” he adds. “In point of fact, Mr. Cook did not say a great many things. He did not speak of a new $501 tablet. He did not talk about the weather. He did not mention Britney Spears’ surprising conversion to Judaism or his sadness at the passing of Gidget the Chihuahua from those Taco Bell commercials. From all of these things Mr. Cook did not say, we must extract meaning.”

Al Salami says deriving the meaning of statements Apple has not yet made requires a complex algorithm employing variations on the Lorenz Cipher, translations to and from ancient Sanskrit, AES class cryptology, and just a hint of nutmeg.

“Thus when Mr. Cook says ‘Most wireless carriers are thrilled with the iPhone… and are obviously looking to expand their offerings,’ what he is really saying is ‘We will be shipping a Netbook in Q4, and screw Verizon, we’re going with Sprint-Nextel.’ Also, that he believes Britney’s Hebrew fascination will fade after she gets dumped by Jason Trawick.”

When asked to verify Apple’s plans for a Sprint 3G Netbook in the fourth quarter, an Apple spokesperson declined to comment. “That speaks volumes,” says Al Salami.

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