Alternate Reality

BREAKING: Mark Zuckerberg Abandons US, Becomes Swiss Citizen

The Facebook billionaire has renounced his United States citizenship just days before an IPO that will make him one of the richest humans on the planet. An eSarcasm special report.

By (@tynanwrites)

May 15, 2012

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

In a surprise development, 26 28-year-old Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg has declared himself a citizen of Switzerland. The move comes just days before an initial public offering that is expected to net Facebook more than $100 billion and make Zuckerberg one of the richest men on the planet.

Through a spokesman, Zuckerberg said that his move "had nothing to do with avoiding paying billions of dollars in capital gains taxes, and everything to do with Mark’s profound respect for Switzerland’s stance on international neutrality, as well as his fondness for chocolate, yodeling, and lederhosen."

Zuckerberg’s decision follows that of estranged Facebook co-founder Eduardo Saverin, who recently renounced his US citizenship in favor of his native Brazil. Analysts noted that Zuckerberg’s move achieves the same end without the painful genital depilation* required of all Brazilian citizens.

Switzerland’s highly coveted citizenship rolls have been closed for decades, but Zuckerberg saw an opening after Michelle Bachmann abandoned the dual Swiss-American citizenship that she had acquired by marrying her resolutely heterosexual husband Marcus.

Presumptive Republican presidential nominee McNewt Romtorich called the move "patriotic," noting that "there is nothing more American than billionaires going to extreme measures to avoid paying their taxes."

* Shaving your pubies. Do we have to spell out everything?






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Comments

  • Jamesmorrris2

    Don’t you guys read the news? Zuckerberg turned 28 just yesterday.

    • http://esarcasm.com dantynan

      my. they grow up so fast.

  • Thehills83

    Sad thing i kind of expect it to happen

  • http://empoprise-bi.blogspot.com/ John E. Bredehoft (Empoprises)

    There is only one thing scarier than a sentence that contains the words “Zuckerberg” and “lederhosen.”

    A sentence that contains the words “Ballmer” and “lederhosen.”

  • Kenneth Johnson

    who will you serve, or have serve you ?