Alternate Reality

Geico Gecko Drops Bid for Republican Nomination

In a tearful farewell, the lovable pitch lizard suspends his presidential campaign but vows to continue the fight for lower auto insurance. Only on eSarcasm.

By (@tynanwrites)

May 1, 2012

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

In a brief press conference this morning, the Geico Gecko has announced he is dropping out of the race to become the Republican nominee for president.

“It is time to face facts,” the Gecko said. “American wants neither a Newt nor a Gecko to be its next president.”

Prior to dropping out, the lovable spokeslizard had garnered 0.0024 percent of the votes cast in Republican primaries, putting him ahead of Herman Cain, Rick Perry, Jon Huntsman, Michelle Bachmann and Donald Trump, and just behind Ron Paul.

The Gecko was hurt early on by a sex scandal during which he was forced to admit he’d had affairs with several reptilian celebrities, including Barney the Dinosaur, Kermit the Frog, and Kim Kardashian.

The 6-inch tall Gecko was also hampered by his inability to to be seen above the podium, making him all but invisible in the 3,297 GOP debates held this primary season.

He indicated he would likely endorse Mitt Romney, though he seemed confused as to exactly what a Mitt is.

“The race did not end as I had hoped,” he says, “but I feel satisfied that I was able to get my primary message across to the American people: 15 minutes really can save you 15 percent or more on your car insurance.”

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