Alternate Reality

eSarcasm to Relaunch as Web Pharmacy

Award-winning site abandons geek humor for Viagra sales. An eSarcRx exclusive.

By (@tynanwrites)

April 1, 2012

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Goodbye, eSarcasm. Hello, eSarcRx.

The award-winning humor site* has announced a dramatic pivot in its plans for world domination, saying it is planning to abandon its geek humor franchise and become an online pharmacy.

"Frankly, after we were intercoursed up the bunghole by Google Adsense last month without so much as a reach around, we felt like we didn’t have much to lose," says co-founder JR Raphael. "Then there was the hack attack that hijacked all our search results and redirected them to fake online pharmacies. We thought, WTF? Why not cut out the middleman and just sell this crap ourselves?"

Lead by staff medical expert Dr. Stanley Dorkus, the eSarcasm team has crafted its own unique and patentable formula designed to enhance male sexual prowess. eSarcRx’s Viagrow ™** employs a technique known as ‘graduated effectiveness,’ meaning that as you take more pills the benefits increase exponentially, explains Dorkus. For example:

  • One pill: Provides a rock-hard erection guaranteed to last longer than any marriage to a Kardashian.
  • Two pills: Instantly increase penis size from 5 to 50 percent, depending on how dinky the winky is. (Note: Not recommended for use in small enclosed spaces, such as elevators and broom closets).
  • Three pills: Make any woman you happen to be boffing look just like Irina Shayk. Also makes any man you might be boffing look like Irina Shayk.

Dorkus says these results are 100 percent guaranteed. Unhappy customers may receive a full refund, minus service fees, handling charges, and applicable taxes. (Please allow 6 to 12 months for delivery.)

The eSarcasm team says it is also working on a pill for women that will enhance sexual desire by making it appear as if the men in their lives are really listening to them when in fact they are thinking about something totally unrelated.

* Awards still pending.

** Side effects may include nausea, headaches, priapism, a loss of blood to the brain and other extremities, a ridiculously overinflated sense of self importance, and an overwhelming urge to install hair plugs and buy a European sports coupe.

Photo of the lovely Irina courtesy of Banned in Hollywood.

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