Alternate Reality

New Study Reveals More Than 50% of Internet Users Are Assholes

Research by the Phew Group indicates that the majority of Netizens are jerks, dickwads, or total flaming assholes. An eSarcasm exclusive.

By (@tynanwrites)

March 19, 2012

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

A new study has revealed what many have suspected for a long time: The Internet is largely populated by assholes.

The study by the Phew American Internet Research Group for American Internet Research found that more than 37 percent of people who go online for at least one hour each day do it just to piss other people off. Another 22 percent say they log on in order to assert dubious claims of self importance or to validate their own pathetic existence.

The Phew Group study says these Internet users divide almost equally into occasional jerks (OJ), intermittent dickwads (IDW), and total flaming assholes (TFA). Individuals who fell into the latter category were also 62 percent more likely to leave comments on someone else’s blog post.

The Phew Study broke the TFA group down thusly:

* 27 percent of people who comment on blogs spend at least two hours each day trying to come up with clever nicknames for groups of people they despise, such as “libtards” or “repugnicans”

* 33 percent admit they log onto comment forums using multiple names in order to post new comments agreeing with themselves

* 42 percent have questioned another poster’s intelligence while misspelling the word “intelligence”

* 17 percent believe italics is the word for people who live in Italy

* 11 percent believe the rapture is imminent, though only 22 percent of those people know what “imminent” means

* After being handed a flashlight, a compass, and a GPS unit, more than 54 percent were still unable to locate their own buttocks with either hand.

eSarcasm would like to point out that none of its commenters fall into this group (especially not the guy who comments on every damned story we write and we suspect may be the only person besides ourselves and/or our mothers who is reading them). Well, except for some of these people.

Image courtesy of Wikipedia. Yes, really.

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