Alternate Reality

McNewt Romtorich Sweeps the South!

Genetically engineered compromise candidate captures more than 90 percent of the vote in Alabama, Mississippi, and Hawaii. An eSarcasm exclusive.

By (@tynanwrites)

March 14, 2012

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

McNewt Romtorich scored a resounding victory in three key Republican primaries last night, capturing more than 90 percent of the vote in Alabama, Mississippi, and President Obama’s alleged home state of Hawaii.

Libertarian candidate Ron Paul finished a distant fourth in each contest. However, his suppporters vowed to fight all the way to the convention, as soon as they finish smoking this spliff.

After the results were made final, the genetically engineered compromise candidate released a joint statement thanking “all the billionaires who made our campaign possible.”

Exit polling revealed that Romtorich did extremely well among voters who believe Barack Obama is a Muslim terrorist, those who drive trucks with confederate flags on the mudflaps, and people who pray each day for the rapture but hope it comes after ‘Bama gets the chance to win one more national title.

Romtorich suffered slightly from a low turnout among conservative women, many of whom had difficulty reaching the polls because they were holding aspirin between their knees as a form of contraception.

In related news, voters in Mississippi defeated a ballot measure that would require voters to undergo a transcranial MRI to detect signs of brain activity before being allowed into the polling area.

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