Alternate Reality

Republicans to Clone Compromise Candidate

Using genetic engineering, the GOP plans to combine the best features of its presidential candidates to defeat Obama in November. Meet the next president of these United States, McNewt Romtorich.

By (@tynanwrites)

March 7, 2012

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Following another series of presidential primary contests in which no clear frontrunner has emerged, the Republican Party is taking the unprecedented step of cloning a compromise candidate, eSarcasm has learned.

Using a form of genetic engineering known as selective adaptive DNA recombination (or SAD), the GOP plans to combine the best elements of each presidential hopeful into a new candidate they believe could unite a deeply divided party.

“McNewt Romtorich will offer the intellectual pugnacity of Newt Gingrich, the moral certitude of Rick Santorum, and the hair of Mitt Romney,” says a well-placed source. “We also plan to toss in any leftover bits of Ron Paul, assuming they survive the process. Finally we will have a candidate who can defeat Obama in November — one we confirm was born made in the US of A.”

However, even as the SAD news filtered out to party members, grumblings of discontent could be heard. A rival group says it plans to genetically engineer its own compromise candidate, combining the verbal acuity of Herman Cain and math skills of Rick Perry with Michelle Bachmann’s tits.

Hermrick Cainmann has already picked up several key endorsements, including those from Kid Rock, Rush Limbaugh, and the Geico Gecko.

In a statement released to the press, Donald Trump says he would happily serve as vice president under either SAD candidate, provided he would retain the ability to fire them later.

(Apologies to our readers for the disturbing nature of these images and the fact we suck at PhotoShop — editors.)

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