Alternate Reality

Feds May Call on Social Media Experts For Cyber Task Force

In the face of an apparent shortage of skilled cybersecurity specialists, the U.S. government may call upon social media experts to fill a federal task force.

By (@JRRaphael)

July 22, 2009

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Social Media ExpertsThe United States government may seek out social media experts to help ward off a national crisis, eSarcasm has learned. And the recruiting process could not come at a more crucial time.

Federal agencies are facing a “shortage of cyber experts,” the AP reports, and the deficit could create serious security risks. According to a newly released private study, the federal cyber force is “fragmented,” with a “cumbersome hiring process” and dismal salaries keeping qualified candidates away.

eSarcasm has obtained exclusive documents detailing the government’s plan to rebuild its force of cyber professionals in spite of those conditions. Given the recent wave of cyberattacks against America, the documents suggest, officials are now looking to avert disaster by turning to the Internet’s ever-expanding league of social media experts.

“We may not be able to get the security guys in quickly, but we suspect we can secure contracts with some social media experts right away,” a high-ranking Pentagon official tells eSarcasm.

A sample page from the government document (sensitive information obscured)

A sample page from the government document (sensitive information obscured)

The social media experts, the official explains, will be able to assist the government in securing huge amounts of Twitter followers within days. While they may not be able to prevent a hacker from conducting a cyberattack against government-run Web sites, they will be able to help create sustainable conversations with an engaged online audience.

“These people understand how we can finally make money with social media,” the official says. “With these skilled and highly trained craftsmen on our team, our nation could forge personal relationships with thousands of people, building customer loyalty and unlocking the secrets to successful social media engagement.”

When contacted via Twitter for a response on the federal interest in his field, one renowned social media expert sent the following reply:

“Thanks for contacting me! I look forward to sharing ideas. Check out this link to see how I’ve made Twitter work and how U can make money 2!”

In our second attempt to contact him, the social media expert restated his status as a social media expert, then requested that we add him as a friend on Facebook so we could “exchange ideas their as well.”

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