Alternate Reality

Egad, iPad! 10 Hidden Secrets About Apple’s iPad Event

Think you know what Apple has in store for its upcoming iPad event? Think again. eSarcasm has uncovered 10 magical secrets about the super-special day, and you definitely haven’t heard these before.

By (@JRRaphael)

March 1, 2012

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Holy hype machine, Batman! Apple’s next special event is officially on its way, and this one promises to be the most magical revolutionary adjective-filled event yet.

Why? Because a new iPad is going to be unveiled, that’s why. And if there’s one thing that can cause spontaneous erections around the world, it’s talk of a shiny new Apple gadget.

Apple iPad EventPlenty of websites are speculating about what surprises Apple’s iPad event will hold, but only eSarcasm has the real inside scoop on what’s in store. We’ve pored over Apple’s official media invite (borrowed from Engadget — ours apparently got lost in the mail) and consulted our various on-staff shamans, and boy oh boy, have we uncovered some juicy nuggets.

The invitation, in typical cryptic Apple form, says only: “We have something you really have to see. And touch.” It shows a finger tapping an icon with the number seven. And that’s about it.

But fear not: We know exactly what it means. Here are 10 things that’ll absolutely, definitely happen on the day of Apple’s big event.

1. Apple will unveil new cashmere pajamas with a built-in iPad pouch. They’ll cost $149.99 and will have patented crotch-level moisture guards for “fanboy overexcitement” protection.

2. Apple CEO Tim Cook will show off a 7-inch device he’s “really proud of.” Let’s just say this: It isn’t an iPad. Or anything else electronic.

Apple iPad 3 Angelina3. Apple will announce that the new iPad 3 features Angelina Jolie’s leg. Select models will also contain hair fibers carefully plucked from Justin Bieber’s head.

4. Apple will announce Siri for iPad, a new tablet version of the magical and revolutionary iOS virtual assistant. Various “tech pundits” (also known as “the unemployed”) will proclaim that the software “changes everything.” Everyone else will use it twice and then promptly forget about it.

5. Baby-faced bloggers will badger us with incessant rants about how the iPad 3 is the most important gadget ever. This will continue for several months, until Apple announces some other doohickey for them to become unnaturally aroused by.

6. Some website will publish documents showing how 99 percent of the iPad 3’s hardware is identical to that of the iPad 2. Apple will locate the site’s author and Apple Factoryhave him placed in an undisclosed location along with that one guy from Gizmodo (seriously, has anyone heard from that dude lately?).

7. Apple fanboys will insist “it’s not about the specs” — except, you know, for those few specs that Apple chooses to highlight in its marketing materials.

8. Apple will unveil nothing of any importance. The tech press will tout the move as “Apple’s most groundbreaking decision to date.”

9. John Gruber and MG Siegler will experience simultaneous dorkgasms at 10:04 a.m. PST. In their iCoital bliss, they’ll both involuntarily post strings of nonsensical gibberish onto their personal blogs. Within 20 minutes, each post will be at the top of Techmeme and will have been retweeted 70,000 times.

10. With the iPad 3 finally unveiled, moronic assclowns will turn their attention to making up rumors about the iPad 4 — you know, the one that’s really going to blow us away.

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  • Anonymous

    Written by a butthurt fandroid who is pissed off that his phony iPads go largely ignored by the general public….

  • Anonymous

    My vocabulary has just increased by at least 10 new “words.” “Dorkgasm? Assclowns? Very clever.

  • Anonymous

    Haha, you guys were spot-on