Alternate Reality

Apple Rumor Mongers Preparing New Rumor, Sources Say

Analysts and tech bloggers are preparing to fabricate a new Apple-related rumor, sources close to the matter reveal. It may involve an OS, a MacBook, or a new line of gourmet jams.

By (@JRRaphael)

August 13, 2009

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Apple RumorsWith a mysterious new Apple “keynote event” now allegedly scheduled for September, a league of analysts and tech bloggers is getting ready to create a new Apple-related rumor, insiders tell eSarcasm.

“Apple’s chief operating officer said a lot of things that could be dissected and misread to an absurd degree,” our source, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, explains. “The rumor mongers are meeting today to determine which statement they’ll pull out of context and turn into the next hot Apple meme.”

The blogosphere is already buzzing with the always-popular talk of a touchscreen tablet, and recently “leaked” unsubstantiated information about an iPod Touch with a camera and microphone is still holding steady ground as well. Between those two topics and the various angles of Apple-Verizon partnership speculation eternally under discussion, the rumor mongers may be struggling to find a fresh piece of unconfirmed Apple news to create.

“This round is proving to be tough for them,” our source says. “I mean, the $99 iPhone thing is done. The next iPhone OS update is too far away to start making baseless predictions about. Steve Jobs is back at work. I’m not sure what they’ll come up with.”

Rumors currently under consideration reportedly include Apple developing a PC-based operating system, creating an edible MacBook, or acquiring itself and changing its name to AppleApple.

“We’ve also heard talk about creating talk about a line of gourmet Apple jam,” our source notes. “It’d be billed as part of Apple’s plan to compete with the upcoming Microsoft stores.”

Neither Apple nor the Apple rumor mongers would comment on the speculation about the upcoming speculation.

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