Alternate Reality

10 Reasons Why Apple’s Chinese Sweatshops Are Totally Awesome

Think iPads and iPhones are built by an army of virtual slaves? Think again. Apple’s FoxConn facility is a veritable worker’s paradise. An exclusive eSarcasm investigative report.

By (@tynanwrites)

January 30, 2012

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Apple is taking a lot of grief for building its insanely profitable iPhone and iPad franchises on the backs of 700,000 allegely mistreated Chinese factory workers. New Apple CEO Tim Cook calls these charges “patently false and offensive.”

Are Apple’s miraculous life-changing devices really built by an army of virtual slaves? To find out, eSarcasm conducted an exclusive interview with Hua Suk Wang, employee empowerment facilitator for FoxConn, Apple’s primary manufacturing partner in the Guangdong province.

Wang assured us that stories of employee abuse and alarmingly high suicide rates are a myth concocted by Western journalists. In fact, FoxConn has instituted a number of changes that make its manufacturing facilities a veritable worker’s paradise.

For example:

1. At 39 cents per hour, FoxConn’s assembly line personnel are the highest paid workers in the province. Second highest paid: Yak manure quality assurance specialists.

2. Conjoined twins working on the assembly line now get paid time and a half.

3. Employees are now allowed two 5-minute latrine breaks during each 12-hour shift. Effective with this change, FoxConn has discontinued its diaper service.

4. Employees get to eat Chinese food at work every single day. This week’s special: Beef Brisket in Wikipedia Flavor.

5. The suicide rate at FoxConn has dropped by more than 30 percent since the factory instituted “six pack” leg shackles. Ever tried to convince five other people to jump off the same building at the same time? It’s not easy.

6. Workers who fail to meet production quotas are beaten with sticks made from only the finest cultured bamboo – now available in a choice of six attractive colors!

7. The Employee of the Month gets to park his bike within an easy six-mile walk of the factory gates. He/she also gets to touch the faux black turtleneck displayed near the entrance.

8. The factory ventilation system is infused with a rich mixture of oxygen, nitrous, and weaponized amphetamines — the same air Apple pumps into its retail outlets.

9. FoxConn has halted its attempts to mix human and rodent DNA to breed smaller more efficient “nano-workers” for its iPhone production facilities. Wang insists rumors of genetic mishaps were greatly exagerrated.

10. Workers get paid to spend 12 hours a day, seven days a week fondling iPods, iPhones, and iPads. Most Apple fanboys would do that for free.

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  • If “employee empowerment facilitators” ever make it to China, we can withdraw our prediction that China will be the dominant economic superpower by 2050.