Alternate Reality

Geico Gecko Denies Open Marriage Allegations

GOP presidential hopeful denies charges he requested an open marriage arrangement with a former spouse, accuses media of being anti-reptile.

By (@tynanwrites)

January 20, 2012

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

One day before voting is set to begin in South Carolina’s GOP primary, the Geico Gekko for President campaign has been rocked by allegations of sexual impropriety.

In a tearful interview with ABC News, a chameleon claiming to be the Gecko’s ex-wife says the popular Geico spokesreptile requested an ‘open marriage’ arrangement that would allow him to spend time with other lizards.

The Gecko campaign flatly denies these charges.

“These allegations are thoroughly reprehensible and utterly false,” the Gecko said in a prepared statement. “I cannot possibly have obtained an ‘open marriage’ because I cannot get married. I am, after all, a gecko.”

Independent political-herpetologists contacted by eSarcasm confirmed that, like certain Republican candidates, lizards don’t usually mate for life.

However, the self described ambi-sexual admits to having more than 25,000 sexual partners, or nearly as many as Herman Cain. Many of the Gecko’s former lovers are well-known celebrities in the repto-amphibian world (right).

The Gecko has said he favors an addendum to the Defense of Marriage Act to define marriage as an act between a man, a woman, and/or multiple reptilians and amphibians.

“That would of course include Newts,” he adds. “I think that’s only fair.”

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