Alternate Reality

Internet Blackout Causes Widespread Panic, Looting, Porn Withdrawals

Large parts of the InterWebs went dark yesterday, leading to a complete (if temporary) breakdown of Western Civilization. An eSarcasm exclusive report.

By (@tynanwrites)

January 19, 2012

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

The Internet is still reeling from an outage that blacked out large swaths of the network for up to 24 hours on Wednesday. Inspired by a grass roots protest against laws that could censor parts of the Internet, the voluntary blackout had repurcussions that rippled across the Webosphere.

Among the major incidents:

* Schoolchildren across the nation failed to turn in their homework this morning after Wikipedia was taken offline for 24 hours.

* Looting was reported across several popular sites, including Reddit and Boing Boing, and then re-reported using slightly different wording on The Huffington Post.

* On Craigslist, The Organization of Two Bit Ho’s Adult Services Professionals reported that its members had lost more than $50,000 in potential income due to its inability to reach customers seeking $5 handjobs therapeutic services.

* Google suffered a partial blackout, causing it to lose almost 0.001 percent of the $400 billion in ad revenues it collects each day.

Facebook says it was entirely unaffected by the outage, largely because Mark Zuckerberg is a dick.

FEMA officials estimate the blackout caused more than $1 trillion worth of damage, most of that from sending federal contractors to 100 million US homes to unplug and replug their cable modems.

Even eSarcasm subscribers shared their pain.

At first, regular reader James McFapper says he thought he’d gone blind from excessive masturbation until he realized it was just an Internet blackout. Still, going without his daily geek humor fix was no cake walk.

“I never imagined I could go 24 hours without staring at gratuitous photos of large-breasted, scantily clad women,” he says. “I guess I’m stronger than I thought.”

Stop Sopa Suicide girl found here.






Get fresh geek humor delivered daily: RSS | E-Mail | Twitter

Comments

  • Sule_tea86

    mantap

  • http://www.memoirsofasingledad.com Memoirs of a Single Dad

    I always thought it was “Interwebs” but thank you for the info.