Alternate Reality

What Will Apple Reveal at Its Next Special Event?

Yes, we know — you’re all dying to find out what Apple will unveil at its special “education” event next week. We have a few well-educated guesses. Think iChalk, re-education camps, and naughty schoolgirls.

By (@eSarcasm)

January 12, 2012

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Steve Jobs may be demoing for the angels now, but that doesn’t mean Apple’s “special events” – or their maddeningly cryptic invitations — have gone to the hereafter with him.

Today another one landed in our mailbox. Well, technically, it landed in our neighbor’s mailbox – we were in there searching for his copy of Transgender MILFs Monthly – and we found this:

Apparently Apple is holding an exceptionally well educated special event at 10 am Eastern on January 19th. What does this mean? We have a few ideas.

1. Apple has hired Techcrunch’s crack team of six-year-old interns to design its Special Event Invitations.

2. Apple will reveal its plans to build giant apple-shaped skyscrapers in cities around the world. All Apple users will be required to enter those buildings (admission fee: $30) whenever they wish to update their iTunes libraries. Apple will convince users that this elegant new system "just works" and makes life easier than ever.

3. Apple is going to announce the iChalkboard with iChalk, a groundbreaking wireless stylus that will revolutionize how children are taught – but only if you hold it the right way.

4. The iTunes Store finally approved those Naughty Schoolgirl apps we’ve been pining for. Guess that “Yes Steve, I Want Porn” campaign finally paid off.

5. Apple is teaming up with the Chinese government to offer special re-education camps at iTunes U. Imperialist Android pigs who fail to adhere to the One True Mobile OS will be forced to read a nonstop stream of MG Siegler blog entries until they recant.

6. Apple will announce a new iSketch attachment for the iPad. It will be a piece of paper that you place over your iPad’s screen and draw on, using pencils. It will be magical, revolutionary, and cost $300. Fanboys will line up around the block to buy it.

7. The company will launch iSchool, a new high school replacement program where teenagers are brainwashed taught values like honor and loyalty (but only to overrated tech products from cult-like companies).

8. Apple plans to replace all of the nation’s middle school teachers with the Siri Voice Assistant. She’s smarter than most, works cheap, and won’t take shit from 13 year olds either.

9. Apple won’t actually announce anything; its special event will simply be focused on educating the public about its next special event.

10. No matter what ends up being announced at 10 AM on January 19th, millions of Apple fanboys and fangirls will still experience a simultaneous orgasm at 10:05 AM. They will then all smoke a cigarette with John Gruber.

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