Alternate Reality

EXCLUSIVE: 12 Amazing Predictions for 2012

The following predictions are absolutely positively guaranteed to come true in 2012 or we’ll return your money for a full refund. Would we lie to you?

By (@tynanwrites)

December 30, 2011

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

It’s that time of year again, when bloggers around the ‘verse concoct wildly improbably predictions for the coming year they can compose weeks ahead of time so they can take a friggin’ day off over the holidays.

At eSarcasm we cherish this annual tradition. And so, without further meaningless preamble to make that Magic 8-Ball graphic wrap a little better, here are twelve things that will definitely happen in 2012 – we guarantee it.

1. In what will become the most watched livestream ever, millions of Netizens will tune into YouTube to watch Justin Bieber’s testicles descend.

2. Eyewitnesses will step forward to declare they saw former Google CEO Eric Schmidt taking people’s search histories into the shower with him in 2007. In his defense, Schmidt will claim he was just teaching them about proper Web hygiene.

3. Amazon’s Jeff Bezos will take over the role of Dr. Evil from Mike Myers in the next installment of the Austin Powers series. Austin himself will be played by Twitter’s Biz Stone.

4. Apple will announce absolutely nothing of importance. Thousands of bloggers will devote millions of words speculating about the reasons why.

5. Michael Arrington will undergo a personal thermonuclear meltdown, causing government officials across the western United States to declare a state of emergency. However, FEMA will refuse to perform the cleanup, declaring the scene “too icky” for entry.

6. The hashtag #ICantBelieveIWastedAllThisTimeOnTwitterWhenICouldHaveBeenHavingAnActualLife will become a trending topic on Twitter. No one having an actual life will be aware of this.

7. Donald Trump’s hair will finally succeed in its attempts to leave his body, and will enter the 2012 presidential race as an independent candidate.

8. Thanks to the success of Windows Phone 7, Microsoft will announce that its share of the smartphone market has soared from .03 percent to .032 percent. A day of celebration will be declared on the Redmond campus.

9. The International Committee for the Eradication of Overused Internet Memes will be formed. The OCEOIM’s first act will be to ban any blog entries, status updates, or tweets using the phrases “Best.Fill-in-the-blank.Ever.” and “#shitgotreal.”

10. A Zach Galifianakis sex tape will be distributed across the Web, prompting 17 nations to temporarily block all access to the Internet. Sadly, the United States will not be one of them.

11. Former New York Congress member Anthony Weiner will begin his comeback by signing on as a spokesmodel for Oscar Meyer’s upcoming Tweet My Meat campaign.

12. The 2012 Mayan Prophecy will come true, causing life on this planet to abruptly end. Thousands of dying earthlings will reach for their keyboards to tweet: “Best.Apocalypse.Ever. #shitgotreal.”

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