Alternate Reality

Santa Claus Denies Sexual Harassment Allegations

Beloved children’s icon vehemently denies charges that he forced elves to sit on his lap and spread their Christmas cheer. An exclusive report.

By (@tynanwrites)

December 22, 2013

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

The North Pole was rocked by scandal this week after a group of elves accused their employer of making inappropriate sexual advances, eSarcasm has learned.

Mr. Kristofer Kringle of 1 Candy Cane Lane is the subject of a lawsuit filed by Santa’s Helpers Local 187. Mr. Kringle is accused of abusing his position as CEO of the Santa Toy Factory to extract sexual favors from his diminutive, pointy-eared minions.

According to the suit, Kringle forced the elves to sit on his lap and whisper into his ear about how naughty they’ve been, then offered to give them something “very special” this Christmas. Those who declined the invitation were allegedly ordered to muck out the reindeer stalls and take on other undesirable assignments.

One elf who asked to remain anonymous told eSarcasm that Kringle once asked him to reach into his pocket and pull out a candy cane. When he did as he was instructed, he encountered a different kind of treat.

“It was long, hard and sticky,” he says, “but it wasn’t no candy cane.”

In a prepared statement, Mr. Kringle — who goes by several names, including Santa Claus, St. Nicholas, and Father Christmas — accused the elves of being disgruntled employees who were using the suit to grab the spotlight as Christmas Eve approaches.

“The notion that I could sexually abuse anyone, let alone an elf, is patently absurd,” Kringle said. “Everyone knows that elves are as smooth as Ken dolls down there.”

Kringle vowed that he would not allow these “false, anonymous allegations” to prevent him from delivering toys to billions of deserving girls and boys across the globe.

He added: “A Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.”

Dirty Santa image courtesy of Incubate. Santa and his elf companion found here.

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