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Quiz: Are You a Total Tech Douchebag?

Alert! Alert! Tech douchebaggery levels are reaching all-time highs. So how much of a total tech douche are you? Take our highly scientific quiz to find out.

By (@jr_raphael)

December 22, 2011

Douchebag QuizWe’re all familiar with douchebags — the collar-popping, visor-sporting blowhards who frequent bars and shopping malls around the world. Within the world of tech, however, a new kind of douchebag is emerging at an alarming rate.

We’re talking, of course, about the total tech douchebag — the obnoxious ass-clown who merges douchey habits with technological pursuits. You’ve no doubt seen the total tech douchebag around the Web and in real life (“IRL,” in douchespeak); in fact, you may be a total tech douchebag yourself and not even realize it.

Not to fear, though: We’re here to help. Take our quick and simple quiz and find out just how much of a total tech douchebag you really are. Discovering the truth may be daunting, but it’s better to know than to be douchin’ it up in denial.

So sit back, take a deep breath, and answer the following questions. Keep track of your running score, and soon, you’ll know once and for all just how douchey you are.

Be sure to post your results in the comments section once you’re done.

  1. What’s your stance on Bluetooth earpieces?
    a) I wouldn’t be caught dead using one in public [-5]
    b) I wear one occasionally, but only when I’m actually talking on the phone [+5]
    c) I wear one all day, even if I’m in a movie theater [+100]
    d) I’ve had sexual intercourse while wearing one [+200]
    e) I’ve had sexual intercourse while wearing one in a movie theater [+250]Jesus LOL
  2. When you’re out with friends and someone says something funny, you…
    a) Laugh [0]
    b) Say “lol” [+50]
    c) Spell out “l-o-l” (“ell-oh-ell!”) [+75]
    d) Say “lulz” [+100]
  3. Do you ever sit in Starbucks using your laptop and/or iPad for extended periods of time?
    a) God no [0]
    b) Once in a great while [+10]
    c) Every day [+50]
    d) Yes, and I do it while wearing a hoodie and/or wool cap [+100]
    e) Yes, and I do it while wearing a Bluetooth earpiece [+100]
    f) Both d and e [+250]Squirrel Line
  4. Have you ever waited in line for more than 10 minutes for any tech product?
    a) Yes [+100]
    b) No [0]
  5. Is your name MG?
    a) Yes [+10,000]
    b) No [-5]
  6. Do you ever refer to yourself as a “genius”?
    a) No way — I’m not a total blowhard [-5]
    b) Yes, I’m very smart and people should know it [+50]
    c) Yes, it’s my job title [+100]
  7. How many social networks do you regularly use?
    a) Zero [-50]
    b) One [0]Foursquare Douchebag
    c) Two [+10]
    d) Three [+50]
    e) That depends. Do you consider Quora a social
        network? [+100]
  8. Do you know your Klout score?
    a) Yes [+100]
    b) No [0]
    c) What the hell is a Klout score? [-25]Twitter Tool
  9. Have you ever used the words “tweeps” or “tweeple”?
    a) Yes [+100]
    b) No [0]
    c) Only when talking to my tweeple [+125]
  10. Have you ever participated in a “tweet-up”?
    a) Yes [+500]
    b) No [0]
    c) Is that the thing where you do two chicks on a balcony
        at the same time? [-75]
  11. How frequently do you substitute the number zero for the letter “o” (e.g. “w00t”)?
    a) Never [0]Special
    b) Occasionally [+50]
    c) Often [+100]
    d) 0ften [+200]
  12. When you hear the term “special event,” you think of…
    a) One of Apple’s awesome announcements — duh [+75]
    b) Nothing in particular [0]
    c) Doing two chicks on a balcony at the same time [-100]
  13. Have you ever followed a live blog of a tech event?
    a) No [0]
    b) Yes [+25]
    c) Followed one? I’m writing one right now! [+75]
  14. Have you ever quoted Robert Scoble?
    a) Yes [+50]
    b) No [0]Arrington Dunce
    c) Who’s Robert Scoble? [-50]
  15. Are you Robert Scoble?
    a) Yes [+3,000]
    b) No [0]
    c) Seriously, who’s Robert Scoble? [-50]
  16. Michael Arrington’s dramatic departure from TechCrunch
    a) Was a shame; the blogosphere may never be the same [+100]
    b) Was for the best; I read his new site all the time [+150]
    c) Can we get back to those goddamned chicks on the balcony already? [-50]

The Scoring Guide

  • Zero or lower: Congratulations! You are not a total tech douchebag. Use this link to share your results on Twitter.*
  • +1 to +99: You are exhibiting minor but noticeable signs of tech douchebaggery. Proceed with extreme caution, lest you start coughing up Daring Hairballs.
  • +100 to +199: You are reaching dangerously high levels of tech douchiness. If you continue at this rate, you may be moderating an online forum within a matter of weeks.
  • You're a Douche+200 to +2,999: You are a total tech douchebag. Go ahead and leave a comment about how lame this quiz is; we know you want to.
  • +3,000 to +5,000: What can we say? You’re in a league of your own. Just please, for the love of God, don’t use this ranking to try to boost your Klout score.
  • Over +5,000: You are an inspiration to T.T.D.B.’s worldwide. We can only hope you’ll write some online haiku to commemorate this momentous achievement.

    *Note: If you shared your results on Twitter, please add 50 to your score and recalculate.






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Comments

  • http://twitter.com/JonWorrel Jon Worrel

    Best quiz you will ever take, guaranteed.

  • http://empoprise-bi.blogspot.com/ John E. Bredehoft (Empoprises)

    My score was less than 1,000, but only because I awarded myself the maximum 500 points for item 10a. I haven’t participated in a tweetup – I’ve participated in a FriendFeed meetup. (To be fair, this was BEFORE the Facebook acquisition.) FriendFeed meetups are probably worth about 5,000 points, rather than just 500.

  • http://www.jasonn.com Jason A. Nunnelley

    Totally not L33+

  • Franz Kafka

    ok seriously, chicks in the balcony, where/when?

  • Lorri

    -35, but I added a 4th answer to #16, D) who is Michael Arrington?, and scored 0. I am not really into doing two chicks on the balcony. If I was, I would be -260. I guess I am not a tech douchebag.

  • http://empoprise-bi.blogspot.com/ John E. Bredehoft (Empoprises)

    Several months after this post was written, I read two Klout-related articles. One told of the new site klouchebag.com – I’m sure both of you will get a 101. 

    The second article told about a marketing executive with 15 years of experience who was recruited for a VP position at a Toronto marketing company. During the interview, the executive was asked what his Klout score was. The executive didn’t know. The interviewer brought up his Klout score, which was in the 30s, and terminated the interview. Scary.

  • kn

    Who are those chicks in balcony?

  • Morgan Breden

    Got 110, but I’ve been moderating online forums since I was old enough to install an AOL CD.