Alternate Reality

EXCLUSIVE: The Best New Words of 2011

Ever heard of Girthquake, Facebork, or Blowjobbulation? You will soon. Here are two dozen of the most notable words introduced this year.

By (@eSarcasm)

December 7, 2011

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Time to polish your diction and update your thesauri. Here’s the inevitable year-end blog post you’ve all been waiting for (and by “all” we mean JR’s mom): eSarcasm’s list of the best largely imaginary new words for 2011.

Some of the following terms may be obscure now, but will be huge in 2012, trust us. Others may already be in common use, for which we are happy to take full credit (please make checks payable to eSarcasm LLC.)

And remember our motto: Any portmanteau in a storm.

Girthquake (gurth-kwak) n. What happens when Rosie O’Donnell, Kevin Smith, and Kirstie Alley all enter the same room at the same time.

Sexting (sex-tihng). v. The act of exchanging nude photos via mobile phone, as described by someone who has never exchanged nude photos via mobile phone.

Slush (sl-uh-sh). n. A female who is simultaneously a slut and a lush. "Hey, did you see the slush I met in that bar last night? Boy was she fun."

Derk (durk). n. A male who is simultaneously a dork and a jerk. "Did I go home with that derk I met in the bar last night? I must have been blasted out of my mind."

Facebork (fas-björk). v. To screw up badly in a public way on Facebook. "I can’t believe I posted those pix from my three way with that slush and that derk. What a total Facebork!"

Scobled (skö-buld) v. To be bathed in gentle yet effusive praise for no tangible reason, not unlike a cat licking its genitals. "Google+ got Scobled again last night. That’s the third time this week."

Daring Hairball (dar-ung har-bol) n. Something coughed up shortly after being Scobled, usually in reference to products made by Apple.

Google (goo-guhl). n. 1: A tool used to locate information about the slush or derk you woke up next to and have no recollection of meeting. 2: Evil incarnate.

Blowjobbulation (blow-johb-yoo-lay-shun). n. A game of word play introduced by Bill Clinton when he earnestly insisted that oral sex did not qualify as “sexual relations.” Recently employed by Verizon Wireless when the carrier claimed it “does not block applications” even though it does, erm, prevent the use of certain applications.

Flogger (flah-gur) n. Someone who is paid a living wage to write nice things about a company, person, or product. Related: Blogger, someone who is paid virtually nothing yet still writes nice things about a company, person, or product.

Arringtonian (arr-ung-toe-nee-un) adj. A state of being where supreme arrogance collides with complete ignorance. "You’re completely clueless about journalism ethics but you’re lecturing us about it anyway? How Arringtonian of you."

Biebered (bee-burd). v. When a man shaves all of his body hair, making him look eerily like Justin Bieber (or possibly Hilary Swank). May result in the production of a Daring Hairball four to six hours later.

Slashdon’t (slash-dunt) v. To make any comment on any item posted on Slashdot, thus allowing yourself to be pummeled mercilessly by derks.

Squenchy (skwen-chee) adj. The unsettling sensation of sitting on a public toilet and finding it still warm.

Extra-squenchy (skwen-chee plus) adj. Sitting on a public toilet that is both warm and somewhat damp.

AT&T (aye-tee-hee-tee). v. To be forcibly penetrated from behind, literally or figuratively. “Man, Sheila got AT&T’d by that derk last night — and then again when she had to pay her own cab fare this morning.”

Siri (see-ree). n. Mediocre technology so cunningly marketed everyone feels they must have it. See also: iPhone, iPad.

Myspace (mayah-speyz). n. 1: Something that once seemed really important but no remembers any more. See also: Digg. v. 2: The act of forgetting. “Sorry dude, I know I was supposed to pick you up at the airport but I totally Myspaced.”

Twit (twit) n. Someone who manages to be neither clever nor amusing in 140 characters or less.

Walmartian (wul-marsh-un) n. 1: A race of alien beings raised under harsh fluorescent lighting and fed nothing but pork rinds and Mountain Dew until they puff up into amorphous blobs. 2: Your child’s future career path.

Huff diver (huff dîvur) n. 1: A person who dives into articles published by actual reporters, extracts the essential kernels of information, and publishes them on the Huffington Post. 2: A future Walmartian.

Techmeme (teck-mee-mee-mee). n. A tool for reading the latest stories from current and former TechCrunch writers, used primarily by twits and Huff divers.

Zucker (zuk-er) n. An individual who believes Mark Zuckerberg when he says how much he values their privacy. Closely related: zucked up, zucked over, zuck off.

Yahoo (ya-hü) n. 1: A once-mighty, now pathetic Web 1.0 giant. 2: Anyone who still works there.

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