Alternate Reality

Geico Gecko Throws His Tail Into the GOP Race

Popular auto insurance pitch-lizard believes if people will vote for a Newt, surely they will vote for a Gecko. Yet another eSarcasm exclusive.

By (@tynanwrites)

December 2, 2011

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

The packed field of GOP presidential hopefuls got a bit more crowded today. Following months of speculation, the Geico Gecko confirmed that he intends to seek the Republican nomination.

The popular spokesreptile for low-cost auto insurance immediately joined the front runners in the race, which include Newt Gingrich, Herman Cain, Mitt Romney, Michelle Bachmann, Ron Paul, an Iowa fencepost, and that hunky guy from the Old Spice commercials.

"Quite frankly I hadn’t quite considered a politcal career before," the Gecko told eSarcasm as he dined on a breakfast of crickets and butterflies. "But I figured if people are willing to vote for a Newt, they would most certainly be open to electing a gecko."

When asked whether he meets the US citizenship requirement, the lovable lizard claims he and his two dozen siblings were born at New York City’s John F. Kennedy airport, moments after his pregnant mother touched down on a flight from London.

"She was hiding in the luggage transport," he says. "Mum never lost her working class accent, though she lost her tail at least three times. I must have picked it up from her. The accent I mean, not her tail."

So far, the Gecko says he hasn’t quite formulated a platform besides lowering insurance premiums for every car owner in America. He also scoffs at comparisons with Gordon Gekko, the avaricious stock tycoon portrayed by Michael Douglas in Wall Street.

"Greed is good, but saving 15 percent or more off your car insurance is much better," he says.

Photos: Image of Gecko used without the permission of Geico. Image of Newt copyright Newt2012. Image of Michael Douglas from Wall Street courtesy of… oh fuck it.

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