Alternate Reality

Herman Cain’s Top 10 Pickup Lines

It turns out the Godfather of GOP hopefuls makes Bill Clinton look like the 40-year-old virgin. Here are his most effective seduction secrets. An eSarcasm exclusive.

By (@tynanwrites)

November 30, 2011

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

As more women come forward accusing Herman Cain of sexual harassment and/or long-term affairs, one thing is clear: The pizza chain magnate and presidential hopeful has a way with the ladies. The wrong way, as it turns out, but a way none the less.

How does he work his magic? Thanks to some in depth investigative reporting, eSarcasm has discovered Herman Cain’s seduction secrets. Here are his ten most effective pickup lines.

10. Hike up your skirt and I’ll show you my stimulus plan.

9. If you don’t have a job, blame yourself. And if you don’t give me a job, then you don’t have a job. Understand?

8. I upgraded you to a suite. Now how’s about upgrading this.

7. I hear you’re an accomplished equestrian. I’ve got a mule you can ride all night.

6. Is that a pubic hair on your Coke can? Here, have one of mine.

5. Nothin’ says lovin’ like some Herman in your oven.

4. Hope and change ain’t working. But I hope you’ll change out of those panties for me.

3. I am an illegal alien for your love. An electrified fence and a moat couldn’t keep me away from my duty to your pooty.

2. Did you call for a Godfather? Because I’ve got an all-meat special with your name on it.

1. Have you heard about my 9-9-9 plan? Nine inches, nine positions, nine hours. That’s what I call ‘tax relief.’

Get fresh geek humor delivered daily: RSS | E-Mail | Twitter