Alternate Reality

Fence Post Re-Emerges as GOP Frontrunner

Iowa land barrier I. M. Post is now neck and neck with Mitt, Newt, and the Gecko in race for GOP crown. An eSarcasm exclusive.

By (@tynanwrites)

November 15, 2011

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

An Iowa fence post is back in the running for the Republican presidential nomination.

I. M. Post, who threw his hat into the GOP race for last June, is now among the frontrunners, as the Grand Old Party desperately seeks someone – anyone — who can defeat President Obama next November.

The latest polls show Post — whose campaign slogan is “I’m tanned, I’m rusted, I’m ready” — to be neck and neck with Newt Gingrich, Mitt Romney, and the Geico Gekko among likely conservative voters.

After a wooden performance in early debates, Post had faded from view, only to re-emerge as a frontrunner when virtually every other candidate proved to be morally abhorrent and/or a raving lunatic.

In an exclusive interview with eSarcasm, Post spoke about his qualifications – or lack of non-qualifications – and offered some barbed comments about his opponents.

“Why am I the best choice to lead the Republican party?” Post asked, rhetorically. “For one thing, I can count to three. That puts me ahead of at least half the Republican governors in this race. I’ve also never attempted to obtain sexual favors in exchange for a job or divorce my cancer-stricken wife to marry my mistress. I did not lapse into a persistent vegetative coma while my state legislature passed universal health care. I know the difference between the actor John Wayne and the serial killer John Wayne Gacy, and my spouse is not a closeted gay man pretending to cure non-closeted gay men of their sexual preferences.”

Also, he added: “I’m much taller than Ron Paul. But then again, so is the Gekko.”

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