Alternate Reality

Faster-Than-Light Neutrinos Accused of Cheating

Einstein’s Theory of Relatively appears to be safe, now that officials have accused the world’s fastest sub-atomic particles of proton doping. An eSarcasm exclusive.

By (@tynanwrites)

October 16, 2011

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

A batch of Neutrinos that appeared to defy Einsteinian physics last month has been accused of using banned substances to achieve faster-than-light speeds, eSarcasm has learned.

The International Association of International Associations tested the Neutrinos and found evidence of proton doping, giving the sub-atomic particles an unfair advantage over their photonic competitors in last month’s Switzerland to Italy time trials.

The illicit substance allowed the Neutrinos to arrive at their destination a full 60 nanoseconds ahead of light, though still two-tenths of a second slower than Jamaica’s Usain Bolt.

The Neutrinos had already signed lucrative endorsement contracts with FedEx and Dominos Pizza, and Nicholas Cage had optioned the movie rights to their life story, tentatively titled “Gone in 60 Nanoseconds.” All of those deals are now at risk.

Last month Facebook announced plans to use the Neutrinos in its Timeline product, allowing members to go backwards in time to comment on friends’ status updates before they actually made them. A Facebook spokesperson declined to comment on the proton-doping accusations and instead directed us to his Facebook page, which was filled with adorable photos of kittens.

Dr. Montgomery Scott, an engineer who’d been hoping to employ the Neutrinos in his experimental interstellar propulsion system, reluctantly agreed with the association’s findings.

“They canna go na faster,” he sighed. “They’re gonna blow.”






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Comments

  • Ken Putt

    Serves ‘em right. I got a neutrino stuck in my shoe once. Talk about a blister!