Alternate Reality

Report: Life as We Know It Already Changed Following iPhone 4S Debut

With Apple’s iPhone 4S now out in the wild, one thing is clear: The world will never be the same again. An eSarcasm exclusive.

By (@JRRaphael)

October 4, 2011

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Apple iPhone 4SIt may have only been moments since Apple introduced its revolutionary new iPhone 4S, but the world as we know it has already been changed, eSarcasm has learned.

Reports trickling in from around the globe suggest the magical device has permanently altered numerous lives, including those of San Francisco-based Apple fans Rick Schmidley and Alan Tork. Schmidley and Tork, who met while camping out for the iPhone 4 last year, spoke with eSarcasm via phone from outside a Bay Area Apple Store.

“As soon as we heard that the iPhone will get a dual-core processor, like all those other phones that have been out for months, we knew a revolution was underway,” Schmidley breathlessly exclaimed. “I hear it might have almost as much RAM as some of them, too — extraordinary!”

Tork concurred, pointing out that the new iPhone had wireless speeds “almost as fast” as “those stupid 4G phones” and noting how Apple had reinvented the wheel yet again.

“You can even dictate text into the new iPhone or give it voice commands!” Tork gushed. “I can’t think of any other phone that does anything like that,” he added, as his phone dropped the call.

Witnesses at a nearby shopping mall, meanwhile, reported sensing a “palpable change in the air” when Apple announced that the iPhone 4S would be available in white. News of the device’s availability on Sprint was said to cause another “irrevocable shift” in the atmosphere.

eSarcasm has placed calls to both Apple and God in an attempt to confirm reports of the iPhone 4S’s life-changing effect. As of press time, neither entity was available for comment. Unofficial Apple spokespeople John Gruber and MG Siegler, however, have both confirmed that the device “raises the bar” and “definitely changes everything.”

Get fresh geek humor delivered daily: RSS | E-Mail | Twitter