Alternate Reality

eSarcasm Launches Venture Fund, Appoints Dr. Smartass to Run It

Introducing the SarcFund, an investment fund for morally dubious startups, headed by our own Stanley Dorkus. Not to worry, though: Our motives are entirely transparent.

By (@tynanwrites)

October 4, 2011

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

eSarcasm is pleased to announce that it has launched its own venture capital fund. The SarcFund will focus on investments of a morally dubious nature, say the site’s founders, because that’s where the money is.

The SarcFund will be headed by eSarcasm’s own Stanley L. Dorkus (aka Dr. Smartass). Though Dorkus has absolutely no experience investing in promising new startups, he did once throw up on John Doerr* at a cocktail party. That makes him as qualified as at least one other new VC guy.

[RELATED: See Dorkus’s own remarks at his personal blog,]

Dorkus will continue to serve as sex columnist at eSarcasm, and host the staff’s Friday wrap-up parties at Miss Tata’s International House of Sensual Massage and Pancakes.

Co-founder JR Raphael says the SarcFund’s investments will have no impact on the fairness and accuracy of the reporting at eSarcasm. Frankly, that ship sailed a long time ago.

“At eSarcasm, we believe in total transparency,” he added. “That’s why we cover our manly bits in Saran Wrap. And it’s also why we pledge to disclose the names of every company the SarcFund invests in, what moral/ethical and editorial conflicts that might present, and why we don’t give a shit. Because blogging for 39 cents an hour sucks dick.”

The SarcFund’s current portfolio includes: 

1. A $3000 angel investment in Nigerian Offshore Ventures. Dorkus predicts a return of between $30 and $35 million in about six weeks, depending on how much gold bullion the former minister of trade can smuggle out of the country.

2. A $10,000 Round A investment in TitsR4Kids, an organization that takes discarded breast implants and recycles them into playground safety equipment.

3. A subscription to ShagBook, the MySpace of Sex, for $39.95 a month.

Dorkus says he looks forward to doing for the venture fund industry what he has done to the practice of gynecology, though this time he hopes to avoid prison. 

* Legendary Silicon Valley venture capitalist. Seriously, do we have to spell out everything?

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