Alternate Reality

Random Meaningless Speculation About the Apple iPhone 5 4S

Want to know exactly what Apple will announce tomorrow? We have the inside skinny. And by inside skinny, we mean we know jack shit — just like everybody else. An eSarcasm non-exclusive.

By (@tynanwrites)

October 3, 2011

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Apple is planning some kind of special event this week, eSarcasm has learned.

What does Apple have up its sleeve? We’ve spent the past week carefully studying Apple’s Special Event invitation for clues. We ran the tagline (“Let’s talk iPhone”) through an anagram generator to see if it held any hidden messages. Best one we came up with was “Heal Tinkle Spot.” We don’t even want to guess what that might mean. 

We also zoomed waaaaay in on that JPEG file. (Did you know it’s actually just a collection of tiny multicolored dots? We never realized that.)

As far as we’ve been able to determine, Apple is planning to introduce the iPhone 54S
on October 4, or possibly re-introduce the iPhone 4 on October 5. Beyond that, we don’t know jack.

But that won’t stop us from posting 300 or 400 words of gloriously uninformed speculation about it. That’s because eSarcasm adheres to The Official Bloggers Code of Ethics, which requires us to report on all trending topics regardless of whether we possess any information about it whatsoever.

(And if we get it wrong, we’ll write a “follow up” story where we incorporate actual facts culled from other sources without ever acknowledging we totally screwed the pooch the first time out. Ain’t life grand?)

According to inside sources – and by that we mean friends of ours who never leave their homes – Apple will introduce an iPhone 54S with the following specs:

* A choice of a black and/or a white case, or possibly brushed aluminum. Maybe silver. We’re not really sure. (We paid a guy we met in a bar $50 to hold what he assured us was a late prototype of the iPhone 54S, but he wouldn’t let us turn the lights on.)

* It will feature a processor and internal storage at least matching if not exceeding that found in the iPhone 4, and be of a size comparable to other iPhones, though possibly just the teensiest bit slimmer and lighter, if not slightly thicker and heavier. 

* It will either have physical buttons or it won’t. It’s a coin flip. Heads buttons, tails no buttons. We’re going with heads.

* It will allow you to surf the Web, exchange email, engage in video chat with your unfailingly telegenic friends, and make phone calls. (Note: This last feature may not be available to AT&T subscribers.)

* It will come preloaded with iOS5, which is chock full of really cool new features we know fuck all about.

* It will cure erectile dysfunction (but only for Apple fanboys).

Clearly the iPhone 54S is a big deal, otherwise we and 334,582 other blogs wouldn’t be writing about it.

So now you know. Or possibly not.

Note: This article has been updated to reflect the fact that we totally screwed the pooch on the Apple iPhone 5 prediction. We’re still waiting for the other 334,582 blogs to admit it.

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