Alternate Reality

Facebook Planning to Incorporate Time Travel into Timeline

Using neutrinos that travel faster than light, Facebook’s new Timeline interface will allow comments on status updates before they’ve actually appeared. An eSarcasm exclusive.

By (@tynanwrites)

September 26, 2011

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Last week, scientists announced the discovery of neutrinos that travel faster than the speed of light, calling into question the basic tenants of Einsteinian physics. This week Facebook announced plans to take advantage of this new discovery in an upcoming version of its product.

Researchers at CERN Laboratories in Geneva have produced neutrinos that arrive at their destination in Italy exactly 60 nanoseconds faster than light, or 65 nanoseconds if they take the Trans-Alpine Bypass.

If the results hold, this makes it possible for particles to leave their destination before they’ve actually arrived. Researchers are calling this the Kutcher Effect, named for people who leave the house intending to see an Ashton Kutcher film, only to come to their senses and turn around before they reach the theater.

Facebook said it intends to employ these time-traveling neutrinos in its new Timeline interface, which has already profoundly changed life online as we know it.

Using Timeline+TimeTravel, Facebook users will be able to post comments and Likes on their friends’ status updates before the updates have actually appeared, says a company spokesperson.

"For example: ‘That thing you are about to say is so funny, I swear I will soon be ROFLMAO’," he says. "We expect to see that sort of thing a lot."

In fact, he adds, the time travel feature is already working, even though it hasn’t been deployed.

“We haven’t rolled this feature out to anyone, and thousands of users are already up in arms over it. That’s what we at Facebook call a smashing success.”

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