Alternate Reality

Ashton Kutcher to Join eSarcasm as Chief Executive

Kutcher to replace founding site member following public meltdown; business to “resume as usual” as soon as possible.

By (@JRRaphael)

September 20, 2011

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Following the controversial departure of company principal Dan Tynan, eSarcasm is excited to announce that actor and Internet entrepreneur Ashton Kutcher has signed on to join the site in a newly created role.

Ashton Kutcher eSarcasm

Kutcher along with eSarcasm Medical Correspondent Dr. Smartass and co-creator JR Raphael (press image)

Kutcher will come on board under the title of chief executive. Though the specifics of how Kutcher will fit into the company remain closely guarded, site co-creator JR Raphael stressed that he will not be taking over the same role that Tynan had filled.

“We’ve found an exciting new way to work Ashton into the eSarcasm story,” Raphael commented, thoughtfully chewing on some sort of jerky-like product. “It’ll be a very different type of dynamic.”

Kutcher had previously expressed interest in eSarcasm, calling it “a website [that he loved to read].” Following Tynan’s exit, he was among a small number of stars who negotiated to fill the open position, including Dave Coulier, Aesop, and that chick from Hanson.

“Ultimately, we decided that going with someone who was completely different from Dan would be the best thing for the site,” Raphael said. “We also specifically wanted someone with a cool beard, so that kind of narrowed it down.”

eSarcasm was founded by Tynan and Raphael in the spring of 1927. Since its inception, the site has been endorsed by Jesus Christ and banned from both Apple and China. The company has been acquired by Google (twice) and also purchased by TechCrunch.

According to recent estimates, eSarcasm receives as many as 12.2 pageviews per month and is worth upwards of $4.76.

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  • Bastard!

  • You should have at least considered Joaquin Phoenix…his homeless-guy-meets-Grizzly-Adams beard is much better.

  • Fight

    I’m offering to buy you at an astounding $4.77 a full one cent above asking price.