Alternate Reality

Dan, I Accept Your Resignation

The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches…and either must die at the hand of the other, for neither can live while the other survives.

By (@JRRaphael)

September 17, 2011

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Baby FightDan Tynan, one of our columnists who was hired for his flatulent ways, has decided to fall on his own spork and quit very publicly on eSarcasm. I believe this is the second or third time he’s quit in public; if I’m not mistaken, he was arrested twice in Idaho for publicly “quitting” in the ladies’ room at Bennigan’s.

Dan’s resignation post reads like the brave stand of a man of principle. Also kind of like the awkward stand of a man who’s holding one in — but that’s neither here nor there. The truth is that Dan doesn’t really know what he’s talking about. And he certainly doesn’t speak for eSarcasm. He is not even a full-time employee; he was originally just brought in to clean the latrines once a week, and we didn’t even pay him for that.

I tried to reach out to Dan and was hoping to have an honest conversation about his future (or lack thereof) at eSarcasm — or at the very least, to get him to buy me a roast beef sandwich in the guise of some sort of official arbitration. Instead, Dan blindsided me with his post by publishing it as I was dropping my morning deuce.

At any other publication, Dan would have been executed and fed to the piranhas long ago. And his post would be taken down. But I will let it stand. Mainly because I’m not sure how to delete stuff on this thing, and best I can tell, only four to seven people actually read this site anyway.

Dan likes to groan a lot about eSarcasm’s supposed loss of editorial independence. Yet he cannot point to one instance where he was blocked from expressing himself in words, or via the color of our office decor.

TechCrunch CircusI am not going to get into all the details of what happened behind the scenes during the drama which unfolded in the past few weeks here at eSarcasm (but I will continue to allow our circus-like staffing crisis to play out in public by posting this response on the site). So Dan, to suggest that I selected the chintz-colored curtains single-handedly is untrue. Chintz was the obvious selection, as that’s the color of the carpet we had installed last year, and any fool can tell you that the carpet should always match the curtains. The designer personally guaranteed to me that would be the case and that he had no interest in influencing our decisions.

I think we’ll all just have to agree to disagree on this one. Dan, thank you for your contributions to eSarcasm, and I accept your resignation.

Also, please return your restroom key along with the carton of dwarf pornography that you stole from my office. That autographed BetaMax copy of Munchkin Munchin’ is invaluable to me, and I won’t have you walking off with it.

UPDATE: What Needs To Be Said (via

Get fresh geek humor delivered daily: RSS | E-Mail | Twitter