Alternate Reality

I’m Leaving eSarcasm. Here’s Why.

Ask ev’ry person if he’s heard the story, and tell it strong and clear if he has not. That once there was a fleeting wisp of glory called Camelot….

By (@tynanwrites)

September 17, 2011

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

I’ll get right to the point. This is my last post for eSarcasm. And it’s my resignation letter — the first I’ve ever written, in fact. Usually I just sneak away in the night carrying off a satchel full of office supplies. I’ve got a closet filled with Swingline staplers, if anyone’s interested.

Everyone who’s been following the riveting drama lately at eSarcasm knows the particulars.

It started when JR hired a designer to redecorate our offices. That’s fine, he paid the security deposit and bought all the milk crates, it was his prerogative. As I wrote last week, however, unless I approved the choice of drapes, I would no longer write for the site.

In the interest of transparency, it’s important to clarify what happened next. In secret negotiations that took place before the original curtains even came down, JR and the decorator picked chintz.

Now, I might have also picked chintz. I like chintz. I was leaning towards chintz, though crettone was also a possibility. But the fact that he did not stand strong with me for a few more days and wait to solicit my opinion was just too much. All hope for editorial independence at that point was lost.

And when you’re creating fake stories for the amusement of yourself and upwards of nine other people, editorial independence is vital.

As for JR, well, I don’t think he’s a bad guy. He’s funny and has an amazing collection of dwarf pornography. (Imagine Fellini’s Satyricon set in Munchinkinland — it’s like that every day over here.) But he’s feckless. He’s a man utterly devoid of feck. He wouldn’t know feck if it lunged at him in a dark alley and took his wallet and his car keys. He’s really not the best choice to make important decisions involving drapery.

Me, I never quite got the hang of doing anything in moderation. …. extreme bedwetting, an addiction to Junior Mints, a Tourette’s like inability to avoid making puns…. It was always JR who had to reign me in. But his refusal to consult me over this vital decorating decision, well, it was curtains for our relationship. (See what I mean? Can’t help myself.)

Don’t worry about me, though, I’ll land on my feet. I’ve already lined up an Adult Services gig over at Craigslist that I think will pan out nicely. Unlike other whiney pseudo-martyrs, I’ve got options.

And yet. And yet.

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Update from Editor JR Raphael: I accept your resignation.

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